REPUBLICAN CONVENTION TO ALLOW CONCEALED CARRY BUT BANS HEALTH CARE

by R J Shulman

CLEVELAND – (PTSD News Service) – The Republican National Committee has decided to allow attendees to carry concealed weapons at their national convention in Cleveland.  “It’s important to make sure our core supporters are heard loud and clear,” said RNC Chairman Reince Priebus. “and while we will replace their choice Donald Trump with a hand-picked candidate, we will console them by not only allowing guns, but by confiscating contraceptives and banning health care.”

The RNC plan not only to allow guns into the hall, renamed Benghazi and Email Memorial Auditorium, but will sell assault rifles to loyal attendees without background checks. “Of course, arms will not be sold to Muslims who will be deported to Guantanamo for proper vetting for however many years and water boards it takes to clear them,” Priebus said.

“In a show of compassion for Hispanics, they will be allowed to served convention goers and hotel guests at below minimum wage before they are deported,” said Ted Cruz, who hopes to be chosen over current leader Donald Trump.  “As proof that the new Republican party has a large tent, we will allow blacks to attend, although they will have to enter by the back of the tent,” said Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell.  “However, the few blacks that do show up will immediately be whisked to the front for photo ops to show just how diverse the Republican party has become.”

In support of religious freedom, former Kentucky County Clerk Kim Davis has been hired to head up a crusade of Christians to guard the entrances so they can deny admission to gays, lesbians, and anyone else not personally saved by Jesus.  

“With all of these policies in place in Cleveland,” said Priebus, “we are sure to guarantee that our nominee will be just as likely to win the national election as the Cleveland Browns, Indians and Cavaliers are to win national championships.”