CLOSET SALES UP SHARPLY IN INDIANA AS ANTI-GAY LEGISLATION BECOMES LAW

by R J Shulman

INDIANAPOLIS – (PTSD News Service) – Within days of Governor Mike Pence singing the Religious Freedom Restoration Act, home builders have been deluged with orders for constructing closets. “I have never seen anything like it,” said Mike Short, Senior Sales Director of Indiana Closets of Muncie. “This new law has put so much fear in some folks that they want these closets built right away and in some cases a closet within a closet to protect them, so that if they accidentally come out of one closet there is a second one to protect them.  What is interesting to me,” Short said, “is that those that are the most frantic to be closet safe seem to be conservative religious Republicans who supported this law.”

Governor Pence has been insisting that the law is not anti-gay and has asked for a fix to it. “There is a misconception fostered by all the gays who control the press that the law allows a person to use discrimination to refuse service to a gay person,” Pence said, “when the law clearly states that it allows a person to use religious freedom to refuse service to a gay person and that is a huge difference.”

Other Hoosiers are more openly gay hating and show their support for the bill.  “This law lets everybody know that Indiana is a red state not a pink one,” said Duke Ripley of Fort Wayne.  “Thanks to this law that outlaws gays on religious grounds, now when I go to a Colts game, I don’t have to worry about some stallion in a seat behind me trying to get funny with me,” said Frank Whorley of Hobart.  Rolf Quincy of Columbia supports the law, saying “I am staunchly not gay, and now there is finally a law that protects me from every Dick who thinks they can sneak up behind me and give me the big juicy shaft just because their parents spared the rod instead of giving them stiff punishment which turned them into men that are obsessed with gloriously large members.”

“My religion says that Democrats and liberals are tools of the devil,” said Bryce Grebbel who owns a lunch counter in Hammond, “and since all blacks vote Democratic, thanks to all the religious freedom I now have by law, I don’t have to serve those kind lunch no more, not on racial grounds which is still outlawed, but on religious grounds that Democrats are against my religion.”

While Governor Pence has been trying to back track on the law due to the pressure from businesses that have pledged to boycott the state, others say they should just wait it out. “While we may lose some lefty national business and find it hard to get a decent hair style,” said Paulie Eddy, a business consultant for the Governor, “not only has the closet business been booming, but we will be able cultivate new businesses such as ones that sell tests to detect who is gay and those new businesses that will make pink patched for those to wear who fail or should I say pass the gay test.”