CHENEY BLASTS REPORT AS SHOWING ONLY NEGATIVE SIDE OF TORTURE

by R J Shulman

NEW YORK – (PTSD News Service) – Last night on Fox News, former Vice President Dick Cheney ripped into the recently released report that detailed the brutal methods used by the United States on detainees that not only violated basic human rights and numerous international laws, but netted little or no useful information.   Cheney said, “This is one of the most politically biased reports yet from the criminal Obama Administration.”

 

Chaney said that the report, “completely ignores all of the positive aspects of the use of enhanced interrogation techniques.  “First,” Cheney said, “if we end government sanctioned torture, it will end the career path for high school bullies.  They would end up on local police forces and we all know how that has been working out lately.   Second, you cannot underestimate just how much pleasure I and a few close friends derive from hurting and humiliating those people.  Am I not supposed to be able to pursue my happiness?  That is protected by the US Constitution, bub.  Besides, not one Christian was injured in the filming of enhanced interrogations.”

 

“But most importantly,” Cheney pointed out to Fox TV host Brit Hume, “torture works.  The report was hopelessly incomplete because no one bothered to interview, Jack Bauer of “24” and other experts in the movies and TV on just how necessary it is to rip, kick, shock, pry, castrate, and drown the important information out of slimy terrorists, not to mention the great deterrent that torture is.  Were the World Trade Center Towers attacked again after we started to water board the hell out of those bastards and did any crazed Islamic terrorists invade Sheboygan, Wisconsin after we tied up a few bad guys and attached electrodes to their privates, and did any brain washed Muslim plant a shoe bomb in Mrs. Dinkle’s apple pie that she lovingly baked for her grandchildren in Independence, Missouri?  The answer is ‘hell to the no’ and a giant ‘no’ to countless other attacks that surely would have occurred on American soil if we hadn’t enhanced the crap out of interrogation methods,” Cheney said.

Cheney told Fox News that he does not regret anything he did and said the focus should be on Obama who should be charged with war crimes for deliberately exposing America’s war crimes.  “Screw Obamacare and balls on Behghazi,’ Cheney said.  “Release Gate is clearly an impeachable offense.”

 

Former Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld later told Fox News that, “there are the known knowns about the terrorists and their plans, and there are the unknown knowns, but the most frightening thing of all are the unknown unknowns out there and using torture was the best way to get to know these unknown unknowns.   Did I tell you that one detainee even admitted that Gigli was his favorite movie of all time?  Now, I ask you, could you get that kind of admission with unenhanced interrogation methods?  Now that’s a ‘no’- a known, known answer for sure.”

 

Former President George W. Bush so far has not commented on the Senate’s release of the torture report.  A spokesman for Bush said the former President’s silence on the matter is not so much that he has nothing to say about the report, but more due to the fact that Bush is currently tied up still trying to finish reading The Pet Goat.

 

Clarkson W. Painter, a political science professor at Princeton University said, “I don’t know why the use of enhanced interrogation by the Bush Administration should shock or surprise anyone.  After all, it is not a great leap for George W Bush to jump from torturing the English language to torturing detainees.”