GOP ANNOUNCES CAMPAIGN STRATEGY: NO PLATFORM, JUST ATTACK OBAMA
By R J Shulman
ST. PAUL, Minnesota – Adding to his reputation for being a maverick, Republican Presidential candidate John McCain announced that this year the Republicans will forego having a Party Platform. “Instead of coming up with a list of issues and what we stand for as a party,” said senior McCain strategist Steve Schmidt, “we will simply attack Obama.” Schmidt continued, “The Media and the American people are not really interested in real issues, so why bother with substance when we can hand them attack slogans.”

“When Sarah Palin attacked Obama in her speech, the crowd went wild,” said Rick Davis of the McCain campaign. “It was like feeding time at the zoo. It was especially delicious when she mocked his community service. Imagine thinking helping people like those losers on the South Side of Chicago makes you be qualified to be President.”

“Bashing Obama gives me such a rush,” Palin said. “It reminds me of how I feel when I shoot a caribou and watch it in its death throes. I have Obama in my sights and I will not spare his wife, his nasty girls, his America-hating preacher and his dog if he had one.” When asked if that might cause retaliation from the other side, Palin said, “How dare they or the press attack my family. They are off limits. So’s John McCain. He was a POW!”

“My friends,” John McCain told reporters, “I am going to track Obama down even if I have to follow him to the gates of Hell.”

“The Democrats and the liberal media have underestimated Sarah Palin,” said Karl Rove, “you don’t mess with a beauty pageant queen who got stuck being Miss Congeniality. Quite frankly, she scares the bejesus out of me.” “That is one woman,” said Vice President Dick Cheney, “with whom I would never go on a hunting trip.”