SENATOR CRAIG WILL NOT RESIGN, SAYS: I WAS NEVER GAY AND NOW I AM EVEN LESS GAY

by R J. Shulman

BOISE, ID - Vowing to "take a an aggressvie stance," to fight for his seat in Congress, embattled Senator Larry Craig told supporters, "I am coming out today to say I am the least gay person you will ever meet in the stall of the mens room. I need to clarify some misconeptions about certain things you may have heard about me in the press," he said. "First, about the Lisa Maneli albums found at my house. My hunky amigo Hector had borrowed my Toby Keith and George Straight ablums, but accidentally returned some of Lisa's records instead.

"About the gowns in my closet, I can explain, he continued, "I was in such a hurry to get to Congress to vote against gay marriage that I didn't carefully check my dry ceaning when I picked it up. It wasn't until later that it was discovered that they gave me someone else's collection of fabulous gowns by mistke."

"Also, to set the record straght about that other bathroom incident you may have heard about," he said, "a well-built policemant happened to walk into the bathroom just after that other man slipped on the wet floor, crashed through the door of my bathroom stall, you know how all those stall locks are broken, and happened to fall head first into my lap."

Craig vowed to introduce a bill releasing restrictions on foot behavior in pubic toilets. "I want to expand the President's initiative that legalized wire-tapping to now include foot-tapping."