SENATOR LARRY CRIAG TO ENTER REHABILITATION FOR RESTESS LEG SYNDROME

by R J Shulman

BOISE, Id - Senator Larry Craig announced today that he will begin treatment for restless leg syndrome or RLS. "It was hard to admit," he said to a few of his supporters gathered in front of his Idaho office, "but I suffer from RLS, which would kick into high gear whenever I would sit down in a public toilet causing my leg to tap wildly." The Senator also stated that he will get treatment for GHS or groping hand syndrome, sometimes associated with the more well known RLS.

"I reiterate that I am not gay," Craig said. "The truth is that I did not enjoy it at all when that horrible man shoved his erect blord into my pulsating grultice. In fact with every thrust, I told him "I am not gay, I am not gaaaay! And when he pulled on my throbbing snordle, I told him, I've never been gay, oh God, I've never been gay."