ALBERTO GONZALES RESIGNS; BUSH APPOINTS MICHAEL VICK AS NEW AG

by R J Shulman

WASHINGTON - Attorney General Alberto Gonzales will step down according to a letter of resignation he sent to President Bush on Friday. "The Attoreny General's resignation has nothing to do with his run-ins with the highly partisan Democrats in congress regarding his support of wire tapping and torture," said a White House Spokesperson, "Alberto resigned so he could spend more time torturing his family."

Gonzales' resignation comes after a number of high profile Republicans have aslo resigned. "This should be of no surprise," said Presidential Press Secretary Tony Snow, "as all these Republicans resigning to spend more time with their families is just a reflection that the GOP is the party of family values."

"The biggenst problem facing Gonzales," said an unnamed source in the Justice Department, "is that Alberto can't seem to remember where his family lives or even who they are." "I have complete confidence in Alberto," said President Bushe from his ranch in Crawford, Texas, "as Alberto is a real confidence man."

The President then named former NFL star Quarterback Michael Vick to replace Gonzales. "I heard he needed a job," quipped the President, "Michael is the right choice because there is going to be a heck of a dog fight with this here Democrat Congress."