SENATE VOTES TO WIDEN ADMINISTRATION POWERS TO FIGHT TERRORISM BY ANY MEANS NECESSARY

by R J Shulman

WASHINGTON - Sixteen Democratic Senators and Independent Joe Lieberman joined all 43 Republicans in passing President Bush's bill that would allow the Administration to do anything it "feels" like to win the war on terror. "This would include necessary tools such as warrantless wire-tapping, torture, invading defenseless countries and my favorite," said Vice President Dick Cheney, "shooting friends in the face."

"After a day of clearing terrorist brush from my ranch," said President Bush, "this new legication will allow me to watch our brave troops pull the arms and legs off of terror suspects." "The President will use a singing statement," said Presidential Press Secretary Tony Snow, "to make the laws retroactive, so that Democrat terrorist sympathizers will not be able to claim that anything this administration has done was illegal."

Civil rights and Constitutional watchdog groups have voiced strong opposition to this new law. "I just don't get it," said Caroline Fredrickson of the American Civil Liberties Union before she was shoved into an unmarked black limosine by five dark-suited men in sunglasses, "whenever the President says 'terrorism,' Congress rolls over and plays dead."

Several sources said that the Democrats voted for this bill because the President threatened to hold Congress into their summer recess. "They really value their vacation time," said one unnamed Congressional source. "It didn't hurt," said Senior Presidential advisor Karl Rove, "that I just happend to have a few personal pictures of what some of those Democrats did on their last vacation."