SENATOR VITTER ON SEX SCANDAL: I AM GLAD THAT I’M A REPUBLICAN
by R J Shulman
WASHINGTON - After revealing that his phone number was on the phone records of the so-called “DC Madam,” Louisiana Senator David Vitter, said, “At least the GOP will defend you when you get caught in a sex scandal and not leave you like a sinking ship as those defeatist Dems did when they found out Clinton was getting his oil changed by someone other than Hilary.”

“It is well established law,” said Clemson Gaithwhite, a Harvard law professor, “that it’s excusable to perform below standards or commit tawdry deeds, but only if you are a Republican. Membership in the Grand Old Party,” Garthwhite continued, “grants you an automatic get out of jail free card, if you will. Look no further than the case of that strangely named Scooter Libby.”

“It all has something to do with the fact that the Republicans have Jesus to forgive their sins, while the godless liberals have no one to forgive them,” said Hiram Whitney, Yale theology scholar. “Calling Vitter a hypocrite because he led the charge to condemn and impeach Clinton for sex outside of marriage,” said Herman Gratz of the Heritage Foundation, “misses the point that only Democrats can be hypocrites as they, as unrepentant sinners have no right to condemn those that have or will receive forgiveness from a God.”

“Now you know why Bush is called the 'what-me-worry' President,” said Charles Hardin, a White House spokesperson. “No matter how much he screws up, he has his Republican membership card to keep him warm at night.”