BUSH ON WHY BLACKWATER STAYS IN IRAQ: WOULD YOU WANT THEM FIGHTING OVER THERE OR FIGHTING OVER HERE?

by R J Shulman

WASHINGTON, D C - In a press statement today, President Bush announced that private security firm Blackwater will stay in Iraq, desite the protests of Iraqi Prime Minister Nuri al-Maliki after 11 Iraqi civilians were killed in a shooting involving Blackwater personel. The President said, "That Nuri al-Frankenini fellah should know that I'm the decider. I just need to make the Primier Minister understand the dead people are already dead and that the past is over, so we should just let dead horses lie."

"The real reason that it is best for America if Blackwater stays in Iraq," said Presidential Press Secretary Dana Perino, "is would you rather have those meth-crazed, cousin marrying drunkards armed with AK47s shooting up Iraqis or for them to come home and do that on the streets of America?"

Blackwater has insisted that what they did in Iraq was lawful. "That is not technically correct," said Yale Law Professor Stanislaw "Stix" Larsen, "it's not so much that what Blackwater does complies with the law, it's just that since they are allowed to operate outside the law due to special immunity from prosecution, nothing they do can be unlawful."