MATTEL AND EXXON SCIENTISTS:LEAD PAINT AND LEAD IN GASOLINE PREVENT GLOBAL WARMING

by R J Shulman

EL SEGUNDO, CA - Mattel scientist Gabe Corning announced the results of an exhaustive study that shows unequivically that lead paint in toys prevents global warming. "When lead paint was the staple of the day in the 50's ad 60's there was not one peep about climate change," the report says, "but we have been global warmed to death, but only after the lead paint was banned from use in our lovely toys." Corning said "further proof of the value of lead paint is that George W. Bush played with toy soldiers drenched in lead paint when he was a boy in Connecticut, yet he was able to grow up to be installed as President." "Besides," said Mattel Chairman and CEO Bob Eckert, "even if there was a danger to a child or two, wouldn't the loss of their brain cells be worth the fact that we were saving the planet?"

In a eerily similar report, Exxon will issue a study tomorrow that shows that global warming began after lead was removed from gasoline. "I always knew," said Exxon Chairman Rex W. Tillerson, "that my high school coach had it all wrong when he yelled at me to 'get the lead out."