ROMNEY SURGES IN SOUTH CAROLINA; PROMISES TO LEARN TO THINK LIKE A BIGOT

by R J Shulman

CHARLESTON, South Carolina – Recently trailing badly in South Carolina, former Massachusetts governor Mitt Romney has open up a wide lead over Newt Gingrich, who has plummeted in the polls after it came to light that everything Gingrich said was a lie.  The latest Times CNN poll shows Romney at 37%, with former Speaker of the House Gingrich at 17%, down from 43% just a week ago.

“Because of this new support from you all good old boys and southern belle gals,” Romney said at a rally in Charleston, “I have just come to the conclusion that the South should have won the Civil War.”  Romney unveiled a new poster with him standing in front of a rebel flag.  “I also think the liberal press has given a bad name to decent Southern civic organizations such as the KKK.”

Romney said that he now believes that the financial crisis was caused by five or so black guys who forced banks into giving them bad mortgages.  “I will not allow an affirmative action president use affirmative action to destroy the American dream,” Romney said.  “I am the only candidate who knows the good ‘Gs’ from the bad ones.  God and guns – good; Gays and Gingrich – bad.”

Romney told the crowd that if elected president he would look into whether President Lincoln had the legal authority to have freed the slaves.  “Old Abe may have called himself a Republican,” Romney said, “but he sure acted like a liberal Democrat.”