GRINGRICH WINS BIG IN SOUTH CAROLINA; PLANS TO DIVORCE THIRD WIFE

by R J Shulman

COLUMBIA, South Carolina – (PTSD News Service) – Moments after the major news networks and Fox projected Newt Gingrich the winner in the South Carolina primary, the former Speaker of the House delivered divorce papers to his wife, Callista who had recently come down with a cold.  “When my sagging campaign took off after I attacked moderator John King for asking about me wanting an open marriage,” Gingrich said, “I knew frankly, that whatever I do in the future, I can blame the liberal media and my popularity with the Republican base will soar.”

Gingrich who is projected to beat second place finisher Romney by 13 percentage points in the South Carolina primary, told a cheering crowd, “Thank you for understanding that no matter how mean, racist and unfaithful I am to my wives, you understand that it’s the fault of the socialist press.” Gingrich revealed that he plans to marry Ashleigh Braggert, a twenty-three year old blonde campaign worker from Valdosta, Georgia.

“This is crazy,” Romney told a Post Times Sun Dispatch reporter after giving his concession speech, “I am a Mormon with one wife and the Catholic with at least three wives kicks my behind in a family values state.”