CHENEY COMMISSION TO SEARCH FOR SUITABLE CANDIDATE RELEASES RESULTS:  I CHOOSE MYSELF

by R J Shulman

 

BUNKER FALLS, Wyoming – (PTSD News Service) – With the Republican nominating process breaking down like a typical day in the US Congress, top Republican Party officials tapped former Vice President Dick Cheney to lead a committee to choose a presidential candidate to defeat President Obama in 2012.   Late today, Dick Cheney announced the results of his comprehensive study saying, “After a thorough review of 34 possible candidates, I have come to the unanimous decision that the best candidate is me.”  Cheney explained that he possessed the experience, the intestinal fortitude and the ability to make tough decisions regardless of whether the action is popular, legal or even human.

Cheney said he accepted the challenge to find a new candidate this late in the game because in his words, “the Republican electorate is so brainless that they have given us a choice between Mr. Seedy and Mr. Greedy.  I can’t wait until we Republicans pass such restrictive voting laws that make it so hard to vote that none of these ass clowns are able to cast a ballot. Cheney said that “Palin, Cain, Perry, Santorum, Bachmann and especially Gingrich and Romney should not only be barred from entering Washington, but be immediately shipped to Gitmo.”

 

Cheney concluded by saying, “I can beat Obama, I can really beat Obama, especially with the vast variety of the nasty torture tools I have at my disposal.”