SATAN: REPUBLICANS, STOP MAKING EXCUSES
by R. J. Shulman

CLAXTON, Georgia - The claim by Representative Mark Foley R-Fl, that his alcoholism was the cause of his inappropriate behavior with underage Congressional pages has sparked an angry comment from a resident of this tiny Georgia hamlet. “It’s all a bunch of excuses,” said Satan, “to cover up sinful behavior, that I caused.”

“I convince Bob Ney of Ohio to sell his vote, yet he blames the bottle. I get Mel Gibson worked up about Jews, but when he gets popped, does he say the Devil made him do it? Noooo! Now Foley, who I coached for years, credits his dirty little mind to some fermented malt. Can’t the Prince of Darkness get a little respect these days?”

When Democratic Senator Harry Reid of Nevada heard Beelzebub’s comments, he said, “I am worried what the Republican spin machine might do knowing both the Democrats and Satan think corrupt and immoral Conservatives are making lame excuses for their reprehensible behavior.”

“It is clear,” said Presidential Press Secretary Tony Snow, “that the Democrats and the Devil are on the same page, but not the same young nubile page that Bob Foley was on, of course.”

“The next think you know,” moaned the Devil, “these Republican Neo-Cons will be blaming all of their monstrous behavior on substance abuse when I worked so hard breaking down their inhibitions.”

President Bush said doesn’t need to make excuses as, “the drinking I don’t do anymore is what made me invade the wrong country. I thought I was pointing to Afghanistan to get that Bin Laden fellah dead or alive, but my eyes went fuzzy and I guess my hand pointed to Iraq.”

“I know I’ll get their souls, eventually” said a downtrodden Devil, “but what’s wrong with wanting to get a little credit where credit is due?”

“I have to admit,” said Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld, “that a couple of pulls on ol’ Jack Daniels and I can’t stop myself from torturing detainees.”

“We made a deal, and they welshed,” said Satan, “so I guess I’ll have to take back what they wanted the most - power, and with the mid-term election is right around the corner…”