BUSH: WORKING WITH CONGRESS IS TORTURE
by R. J. Shulman

WASHINGTON – President Bush took time out from his busy vacation schedule to lobby the Senate for his bill regarding the allowance of certain persuasive measures to be used on detainees in his war on terror. “Working with the Senate has been pure torture,” Bush said in a special Rose Garden appearance regarding the surprise resistance to the passage of his proposed legislation. The bill would authorize the use of special interrogation tactics against United States Senators suspected of being terrorists.

“Without this measure,” said Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice, “we will not be able to learn the secret plans of the enemies of the state, such as Senator Russ Feingold.” We will have to use something other than waterboarding on Senator Ted Kennedy,” said Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld, “as he survived being under water at Chappaquiddick.”

Just think of how much money we could have saved on our extensive investigation,” said Secretary of the Treasury Henry M. Paulson, “if we could have used these tactics on Senator Hillary Clinton to find out if Bill was lying about sex.”

When asked about how this might conflict with the Geneva Convention which specifically prohibits such behavior, Presidential Press Secretary Tony Snow said, “we will still abide by the Geneva Convention, but only, of course, if the terrorist Congressmen are discovered in Geneva, Switzerland or Geneva, New York.” Further commenting on the legality of the President’s bill, Attorney General Alberto Gonzales said, “the Constitution of the United States not only allows for torture, but requires it.”

“This measure is essential, if you will,” said Vice President Dick Cheney from an undisclosed bunker, “as the insurgents in Congress are in their last throes.” National talk show host Rush Limbaugh agreed with the need for these measures as he “would authorize such tactics to find out who ripped off my stolen drug prescription pads.”

The President has met little resistance in the House of Representatives. “I am looking forward to these new measures,” said House Majority Leader Dennis Hastert, “especially as the President has assured me that the interrogation will be conducted by a bevy of naughty nurses.”


A break in the Senate deadlock appears certain as Senator John McCain suddenly changed his opposition to the President’s bill after conferring with Administration officials for three days straight at an undisclosed location. “I am willing to work with our fearless leader,” said McCain before entering Bethesda Medical Center for removal of several splinters that mysteriously appeared under his fingernails.