BUSH UNVEILS NEW IRAQ STRATEGY
By R. J. Shulman

WASHINGTON – In the face of an escalating Iraqi civil war, sectarian violence, rampant unemployment and severely hampered utility services, President Bush announced a bold new approach to solving the problems in Iraq. “It is a time tested solution,” the President said from a hastily called press conference at the Oval Office, “but we know this solution has actually worked in Iraq in the past to keep the peace, stop the religious fighting, restore electrical power and keep fundamentalists from using Iraq as a breeding ground for terrorists. The solution is that we will re-install Saddam Hussein as dictator.”

When asked by reporters how Saddam could rule with a possible conviction for war crimes hanging over his head. “I know just how he feels,” said the President, “but you don’t see that stopping me from being the decider for this country, the US of A.”

Another reporter questioned this plan by asking if the President was concerned with the underhanded tactics that Hussein had used against his political enemies. “Since Saddam has agreed to fight the war on terror, he would have the same authority over there as we have over here to wiretap and spy on terrorists.”

“He’s a pretty good guy if you just allow for a few transgressions,” said Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld. “I kind of like the way he shakes hands.” “Besides,” said Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice, “as part of the brokered peace, we drop all charges against Saddam and in return we get a stable Iraq and five permanent military bases in that country.”

Presidential Press Secretary Tony Snow said, “at least this is a real positive solution, not the unpatriotic cowardly cut and run strategy embraced by all Democrats.” Under this plan, the reconstruction of Iraq will be carried out by Halliburton using illegal immigrant Mexican labor shipped over from the United States . “This ingenious solution kills two birds with one stone, “said Vice President Dick Cheney, “and you know how much I love killing.”