IT’S TRUE: JENNIFER ANNISTON CONSUMED BY ANGELINA JOLIE

By R. J. Shulman
P-T-S-D entertainment reporter

LOS ANGELES – Reeling from having her boyfriend and major movie roles stolen by Angelina Jolie, Jennifer Anniston has now suffered the final insult at the hands of her arch rival. “Poor baby,” said longtime Jen friend Sally Hunt in an exclusive report to the Post-Times-Sun-Dispatch, “Jen just couldn’t stop thinking about what that botoxed bitch was going to do to her next.” Sally’s comments are not the only proof that the Post-Times-Sun-Dispatch has that Anniston has been consumed by Angelina Jolie.

“She tasted a little like chicken,” Miss Jolie told the Post-Times-Sun-Dispatch, “but not a spring chicken, if you know what I mean.” Angelina complimented the “Anniston and Dumplings,” with fava beans and a salad of mixed greens topped off with delicious purple grapes. Apparently, Jolie lured Anniston into a dark alley by telling Jennifer that she was the most talented “Friend.” The meal was ready sixty minutes later using one of the most popular recipes from a Rachel Ray cookbook.

The news surprised Brad Pitt who said, “Angelina has been so busy traveling the world looking for babies to adopt that I can’t see how she found time to prepare such an elaborate meal. Don’t tell Angelina,” he added, “but her cooking left a bad taste in my mouth.”

Upon learning the fate of Jennifer, Courtney Cox said, “Serves her right for stealing my thunder on Friends. She finally ran up against someone who had her for lunch.”

“This is a great loss,” said Sidney Schmaltz, senior editor of the National Enquirer, “the feud between those two broads sure sold a lot of papers. Now we will have to settle with whether or not Nicole Richie is eating again.”