NEW DISCOVERY: TESTAMENT SAYS JESUS HATED GAYS
By R. J. Shulman

COLUMBIA, S.C. – In a stunning announcement, archeologists from Bob Jones University announced today the completion of the translation of a newly discovered book of the bible. They claim that the main thrust of the Book of Cletus is that Jesus was decidedly anti-gay.

The ancient scrolls found deep inside a cave near Summerville, S.C., paint of picture of a young savior who “consistently preached against the dangers of homosexuality,” said Billy Joe Mason, captain of the university football team and one of the science students who have been working on the translation since its discovery last August. “For example,” continued Mason, “Jesus said to disciple Paul, ‘Just because I'm not married, like my robe freshly pressed and a fabulous toe manicure doesn’t mean I’m gay.”

In no less than six-hundred and sixty-six times in the new book, Jesus expresses his disapproval of the homosexual lifestyle. “I always knew he felt this way," said Dr. James Dobson, founder of Focus on the Family. “Now we can get the congress to rubber stampede my amendment against gay marriage,” said President Bush from his ranch in Crawford, Texas.

Other scientists are skeptical of the authenticity of the document. “I find it suspicious that the ancient scroll was found in North America rather than in the holy lands, where the Dead Sea Scrolls were found,” said Clayton Worthington, professor of archeology at Yale University. “From the looks of the whiskey stains on the document, they are more like the Dead Drunk Scrolls,” he said. After reviewing the document, Lionel Martinson, a Biblical scholar from Brown University said the back of the scroll looked "suspiciously like a flyer for a NASCAR race."

Regardless of the controversy surrounding the new Gospel, many churches, mostly in the south and the midwest, are ordering new bibles which include the new book.