MEL GIBOSN SETS NEW RECORD FOR APPOLOGIZING
By R.J. Shulman, Staff Writer

MALIBU – Actor Mel Gibson has just set a new worlds record for celebrity apologies when he said he was sorry for the fifth time for anti-Semitic comments he made after being arrested for drunk driving. In a statement released today, Gibson said, “I am sorry I said those things about Jews because those are the people who control Hollywood. Christ, the place is crawling with Hebes.”

In an earlier statement made yesterday, Gibson said, “I apologize for mouthing off. I’ve received so many complaints from people of the Jewish persuasion that there is no way so many were killed in the Holocaust.” That statement followed his appearance on the Larry King show where he said, “I shouldn’t have said those racist remarks. Heck, everyone knows Jews control the frickin’ media and they have really laid into me. Now, Larry isn’t your nose a little on the Semitic side?”

Gibson had also apologized by saying, “I’m sorry my comments against Jews caused such a furor. And speaking of the Furher, where is one when you need one?”

Gibson further commented that he wants to make amends by changing his drink of choice from Jose Cuervo to Manichewitz, “even if that s**t tastes like pigs pissing in a trough.” He has also promised to make a movie entitled, “The Passion of the Moses,” the story of Moses Cohn, who leads a group of Jewish pawn shop owners safely out of Harlem. “It’s the least I could do,” Gibson said.

The previous celebrity apology holder is former President Bill Clinton, who apologized four times for his affair with Monica Lewinsky. When he heard that his record was broken, he said “At least I did not have sex with Mel Gibson.”