DEAD IRAQIS SUPPORT BUSH
By R. J. Shulman,staff writer

WASHINGTON - In an announcement today, President Bush unveiled a stunning new survey that showed by a margin of 100 to 0, that dead Iraqis support his decision to invade Iraq and back the continued presence of US troops. “You’re either for us or against us,” Bush told reporters, “and since not one dead Iraqi has protested or disagreed with our policy, it means that they are in full agreement with all that we are trying to accomplish in Iraq.”

When asked about reports that the dead Iraqis silence could mean nothing more that they were simply dead, Presidential Press Secretary, Tony Snow dismissed such reports as distortions by the Democrats “who were trying to use the war on terror for their political gain. It is quite unfortunate that the Democrats with their near stranglehold on the liberal media would stoop to such unspeakable depths to use fear and smear tactics for political purposes.”

Also touting the survey from an undisclosed bunker location, Vice President Dick Cheney said this survey “was like a shot in the face, or arm as you will, to the President. Besides,” he continued, “the insurgency among dead Iraqis is in its last throes.”“ The President thought that there were only about 30,000 dead Iraqis since the start of the war,” said an unnamed White House spokesman, “but now that this survey is out, the President is much more comfortable with a number closer to 200,000.”

Secretary of Defense, Donald Rumsfeld commented that this survey is further proof of the soundness of the Bush Administration’s Iraqi strategy. Rumsfeld added, “would you rather have dead Iraqis over there or have them over here?”“ It is clear,” said Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice, “that the dead Iraqis are better off now under a government where they can vote than they were under the tyrannical Saddam Hussein.” When a reporter commented that dead people don’t vote, Ms. Rice said, “they do in Chicago.”“

This survey should put and end once and for all,” said Sean Hannity of Fox News, “to the notion that the dead Iraqis see the US as anything other than liberators. In fact, just as we’ve been saying all along, the dead Iraqis at this very moment are pushing up daisies to give to the liberating American troops.”

The survey, conducted last week by Diebold, Inc. had a plus or minus error factor of 100%.