CHICAGO CUBS ACQUIRE FIDEL CASTRO IN TRADE
by R. J. Shulman

CHICAGO - The Chicago Cubs announced today that they have acquired Cuban Leader Fidel Castro in a trade that sent Dusty Baker to Havana. “We always knew Fidel wanted to play for our team,” said Cubs General Manager Jim Hendry, “besides Dusty was too nice to the players, and we needed a clubhouse leader who could dictate to the players just what was needed to win in the struggle for the pennant.”

“If they had only done this when I first tried out for the team decades ago,” said Castro from his Havana hospital bed recovering from a recent operation, “I wouldn’t have had to waste all those years as a blow-hard Communist tyrant. I am happy for Cuba,” he added, “as Dusty is a much better leader than my incompetent little brother, Raul.”

Most Cubs players have embraced the news, “if Castro could stand up to the Yanks for all these years he can certainly stand up to all the other teams,” said Catcher Michael Barrett.

“This is for the better,” Dusty Baker said as he boarded a rickety Liberian freighter for Havana, “at least where I’m headed, if somebody on my side messes up, they will let me kick some serious ass.”

“We expect Fidel to make some changes around here, like a better healthcare plan and a meaningful education for those illiterates who play for us at Wrigley Field” said Hendry, “I can’t wait until Castro gets off the DL list.” It was unclear whether Hendry meant the disabled list or the deposed leader list.