MYSTERIOUS FIRES PLAUGE BUSH ADMINISTRATION
by R. J. Shulman

WASHINGTON - The Post-Times-Sun-Dispatch has learned that mysterious fires have been plaguing the Bush Administration. Initial reports indicate that arson has been ruled out. “While these fires are not the classic spontaneous combustion where a person bursts into flames,” said a White House spokesperson, “these fires do involve a person’s clothing that catch fire.”

A top secret report, obtained by the Post-Times-Sun-Dispatch, indicates that President Bush seems to be one of the most effected by this problem. “One minute, I’m telling the American people the reason we are fighting in Iraq and the next thing you know, my clothes start to smoke.” An unconfirmed report pinpoints the location of where the fires start is the speaker’s pair of pants.

“We think there is a problem with the trousers,” said White House spokesperson, Clyde Jones, “so we are having them investigated by scientists from India.” When asked why American scientists were not tapped for the study, Jones said, “We couldn’t find qualified American…,” but could not complete the sentence as his own pants erupted in flames and he had to be rushed to Bethesda Medical Center.

“I think it might be worse for Vice-President Dick Cheney,” said a senior staff official, “he’s had to hide out in a fire proof bunker because every time he opens his mouth, his trousers burst into flames.”

“We have instructed Condi not to wear those pants suits she is so fond of,” said Phil Larson of the State Department, speaking of Condoleezza Rice, Secretary of State. “At least her dresses don’t seem to catch fire so easily.”

“We’ve tried using leather and metal for replacement trousers,” said Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld, “but they keep on catching fire.” Rumsfeld said the Pentagon is working on a new type of body armor to prevent burns from exploding pants. However, it may take years before these armored pants get deployed. “After all,” Rumsfeld said, “exploding car bombs are still a bigger worry.” Curiously, no American soldier has been injured by this phenomenon, although it has been reported that it has affected several generals.

“When I first heard about this,” said Pat Roberson of the popular 700 Club, “I thought that all the bursting in flames was God’s way of punishing homosexuals. However, I realized it was happening to all my closest friends and on occasion to me.”

There is an unconfirmed report that national talk show host Rush Limbaugh’s addiction to the prescription pain killer Oxy Contin was due to his need for immediate relief from the extreme discomfort caused by the burning sensation he would experience in his posterior every time he spoke into his microphone.

Former White House Press Secretary, Scott McClelland said that the real reason he resigned was his job was becoming quite a “pain in the ass.” Current Presidential Press Secretary, Tony Snow was unavailable for comment as he was recently hospitalized for second degree burns. He is sharing the same hospital room with Presidential Chief of staff Karl Rove who is recovering from recent buttocks replacement surgery. “Maybe J. Edgar Hoover knew something when he chose to wear dresses,” Rove said.

Commenting on this issues, former President Bill Clinton said, “I can sure feel their pain. It was the same one I felt when I said that I never had sex with that woman.”

“We will get to the bottom of this before it gets to all of our bottoms,” said Michael Chertoff, Homeland Security Chief. His press conference was abruptly ended by fire sirens right after he said that this phenomenon only happened to former FEMA chief Michael Brown, but not to him.

In a related story, Fox News announced it was ending its use of the slogan, “Fair and Balanced News.” Every time one of our anchors says that,” a Fox News spokesperson, Les Moore said, “it costs us another pair of pants.”