BUSH TO OUTSOURCE INCOMPETENCE
By R. J. Shulman,
staff writer



WASHINGTON - In an announcement delayed by a scheduling glitch, President Bush announced that his administration was going to win the so-called “war on f-ups,” by outsourcing incompetence around the world. “Would you rather fight incompetence over there or fight it here,” he said into a nonworking microphone that had to be replaced. “I am going to personally bring my vision of American incompetence around the world,” Bush said, after falling off his bicycle injuring a security guard.

“Incompetence is on the march in the Middle East,” said Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice touting recent successes. “Just look at the Iraqis trying to get their government together and how successful I've been at keeping the peace in the Middle East.”

Among the first steps taken by the Bush Administration was to appoint Michael Brown to head UNICEF, the United Nations children’s relief fund. “If you look at his performance during Hurricane Katrina, you can just imagine what he can do for the children of the world,” said a White House source that could not be identified due to a typo in the press release, “besides,” the source stated, “we already have John Bolton as our ambassador, so our UN incompetence is now completely in place.

“I’m headed out to be in charge of the Chinese Infantry, soon as I finish cleaning this rifle” said Vice President Dick Cheney to a group of scattering reporters. Wasting no time, the White house announced that former Speaker of the House, Tom Delay will be the new Pope. “This is a position in which much of the world looks up to for moral and ethical guidance and Tom is the perfect choice,” said Presidential Press Secretary Tony Snow, still wiping egg off his face from a cheese omelet that had mysterious exploded earlier in the day.

Other announcements included appointing Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld to be in charge of the military operations for different foreign countries on a rotating basis. “There is no one who can spread incompetence around the world faster than Don,” said former Secretary of State Colin Powell, still trying to get the yellow cake uranium off his face.

When asked about this new development, national radio talk show host Rush Limbaugh said, “I’m going to outsource my maid to Outer frickin’ Mongolia for taking so long to get me my drugs.”