CORRUPTION RAMPANT AMONG SCIENTISTS
By R. J. Shulman,
staff writer

WASHINGTON - In a shocking new study, Fox News has reported that 98% of scientists are so driven by the need to get research grants that they have compromised their integrity in their mad dash to the feeding trough. So says Martin Bowman of the Heritage Foundation who conducted the study. “For example, every scientist who claims to have evidence of global warming has received money for their scientific work. Now just how much more money do you think they would get if they told the world that everything was hunky dory?” Mr. Bowman remarked that the few scientists who did not need research money because they were paid by Exxon/Mobil, Shell, or Conoco Phillips were unanimous in stating that global warming was a great hoax.

Others have used the corrupt scientific community to further their own personal political agenda, the report continued. Mark Terrier of the Scientists for a Safer Tomorrow, a think tank created by General Motors and the Coal Industry, said that “irresponsible scientists have created a monster in Al Gore who is now scaring the country with his deeply flawed “shockumentary.” In response, the Swift Boat for Truth group has just released a film called, “An Inconvenient Gore,” that exposes just how boring the former Vice President is if he has to make a presentation without a slide projector. The documentary will be shown on over 100 television stations, pre-empting the Evening News.

“Scientists have been making some wild claims,” said Rene Picard of the Flat Earth Society. “How can they dare say the world is older than six thousand years when it is clearly against the Bible,” said Dr. James Dobson of Focus on the Family, a popular syndicated radio show.

“For pure reasons of greed,” said John Brown, CEO of British Petroleum, “Scientists have claimed that oil spills cause death and irreparable harm to ocean life. How can this be as oil is a natural substance?” The report chided scientists who have made wild claims that mercury poisons fish or that cigarette smoking is a hazard to health. “This bogus profit driven research has all but obscured such tried and true facts such as ‘four out of five doctors who smoke, smoke Camels,” said Raleigh Winston of the Tobacco Institute.

When told of the massive corruption uncovered in the scientific community, President Bush said “that is why you have to say the same things over and over again to catapult the propaganda. The next thingy you know,” the President added, “science people will say that too much alcohol and drugs consumpticating can make a man as stupider as you can get.”

From an undisclosed bunker, Vice President Dick Cheney said that all America should take heart because “the scientists are in their last throes. Besides, even if there was global warming, what would be so bad about a scheme that would keep hell from freezing over?”