BUSH VETOES SCIENCE
By R. J. Shulman,
staff writer



WASHINGTON - Exercising only his second veto in the six years of his administration, President George W. Bush vetoed science today. “After experiencing the thrill of what its like to just say no,” the President said, “the decider is now the Vetoer in Chief.” The President grinned and vetoed science with a flourish of a pen. The President used a quill pen, as he stated he didn’t want to use gel pens, or any instrument of scientists, as science is “ a theoretical set of theories that some East Coast terrorists loving egghead theorists have theorized which does noting but burdenize the absolute proof of faith.”

This approach mirrors what the President said yesterday when he vetoed a bill passed by Congress regarding funding for stem cell research. “I veto this bill because I believe in the culture of life,” he said, “and I authorize the killing of anyone who disagrees with not saving the poor little embryos.” When told that the embryos in questions were going to be thrown out anyway, he ordered the killing of the “thrower outers” who are “definitely anti-life killers.”

Pat Robertson, popular host of the 700 Club, said “I wholeheartedly agree with the President about saving the embryos, unless we know that the little snowflake is going to grow up to be another Hugo Chavez.”

After vetoing science, the President vowed to veto “any gun control, pollution control, governmental corruption control, lawsuits against corporations, the quaint and pesky Geneva Convention, all taxes for the rich, dissent, the obstructionary Bill of Rights, the tired poor huddled masses yearning to breathe free, and the three Al’s of terror – Al Gore, Al Franken and Al Qeida.” He also threatened to veto birth control. “If God wanted women folk not to be barefoot and pregnant,” he said with a half-chewed buttered roll falling out of his mouth, “they would have been born with shoes and a DUI or a diagram in their parts that OBGYNs practice their love on all over this great country of ours.”

Vice President Dick Cheney was pleased with the President’s bold new initiatives saying from his undisclosed bunker location that the “liberals are in the last throes of their liberalism.” Presidential Press Secretary Tony Snow said, “Essentially, the President with this decisive new action has basically said for Americans to just cut the s**t and let the President get back to clearing brush on his ranch.”

When asked about the President’s new veto initiative, national radio talk show host Rush Limbaugh said, “He didn’t say anything about vetoing oxy contin, did he?”

When questioned if he would now veto all bills sent to him by Congress, the President promised to sign any bill declaring English as the official language of the United States, but said he would issue a signing statement saying “since I am the big honcho jeffe boss, I don’t have to be a utilizer of perfectionary English myself.”