SCIENTISTS WARN OF INCREASE IN GLOBAL BAD HAIR DAYS
By R. J. Shulman

BOSTON - Scientists as Boston University are warning about a phenomenon that has them worried about the future of mankind. Their studies are pointing to a marked increase in bad hair days. The Post-Times-Sun-Dispatch has learned that the scientists will be issuing a paper in the August 23rd issue of the prestigious New England Scientific Journal, called Split Ends of the World, which warns that the planet cannot sustain itself if the trend keeps up. “It’s bad enough when one person in an office has a bad hair day,” said Shirley Mendoza, a Cambridge psychologist, “but can you imagine what it will be like with a room full of bad hair?”

“Of course, there have always been people with bad hair, the Rod Stewarts and the Don Kings, but this new phenomenon is affecting the every day person,” said Wesley Stone, professor of hairology at Boston University. Split Ends of the World will make a link between the recent ban on bringing shampoo and other hair products on airplanes due to terrorists threats and the increase in horrendous hair days. “People have to make a choice,” said Samantha Panagakos, head of Shampoo Studies at Harvard University, “is it worse to have exploding shampoo or exploding hair?”

Quick to join the fight against global bad hair is former Vice President Al Gore who is preparing a film documentary called, “An Inconvenient Root,” about the root causes of bad hair. The Bush Adminstration, which until recently has denied global bad hair, saying bad hair was just contained to Texas, announced a new preemptive strike on bad hair with a nuclear attack on Iran. President Bush said, “Would you rather, fight the bad hair over there or over here?” However, Vice President Dick Cheney said from his undisclosed bunker that he is not personally worried about global bad hair as, “the hair on my head is in its last throes.”

Not all scientists agree there is a problem. “This bad hair stuff is just a giant hoax, allot of fluff,” said Stanley Filbert a scientist with Helene Curtis Products, “any woman can look like the after picture in our ads with just a dab of our product.”