BUSH, BIN LADEN, OTHERS ATTEND SECRET FEAR SUMMIT
By R. J. Shulman

EAGLES NEST, Austria - Among the fears of spreading calls for peace, world leaders met secretly in the Austrian Apls to find ways to preserve the fragile fear they have been able to maintain in recent years. In an exclusive to the Post-Times-Sun-Dispatch, British Prime Minister Tony Blair said, “Lacking fear, you cannot control the masses, which allows peace and prosperity to break out at any time.”

“Without fear, without hatred, where are we? said Osama Bin Laden. “I second that demotion,” said President George W. Bush, holding Osama’s hand, “this is the man that gave me my chance to be a warring time President.” “Wartime means wartime powers said Sheik Hassan Nasrallah, leader of Hezbollah who was sharing a drink with Israeli Prime minister, Ehud Olmert. Bush was further complimented by Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad who said “the American President's manipulation of the terror alerts was brilliant.”

However, talk of past victories soon faded as the leaders got down to the business of devising new ways to keep the fear. “Televised wardrobe malfunctions, phony weapons of mass destruction, homophobia, pyrotechnic destruction of American flags, and hordes of Mexicans crossing the border can only work for so long,” said Secretary of State Donald Rumsfeld. “We need a lasting and sustainable fear.”

The world’s most influential men huddled around the same table the leader of Germany had used to keep control of his people some sixty-odd years ago in a conflict he eventually lost. “Adolf lost when he ran short on keeping fear and hatred in lock step, a mistake we will not make,” said Kim Jong Il of North Korea.

The Post-Times-Sun-Dispatch has learned that some of the plans the leaders are discussing involve further manipulation and control of the media, nuclear first strikes, inflaming religious hatred, destroying the middle class, stealing votes, absolute control of women and making a non-religious education practically impossible.

Vice president Dick Cheney, the keynote speaker, commented via phone from an undisclosed bunker, saying “the only thing we have to fear is fearlessness itself.”