SNAKES FOUND IN GOVERNMENT BUILDINGS
By R. J. Shulman

WASHINGTON – In a report exclusive to the Post-Times-Sun-Dispatch, officials say that certain governmental buildings have been infested with large poisonous snakes. “It is especially bad at the White House,” said an unknown spokesperson.

President George W. Bush said, “I don’t know who is responsible for the snakes. It’s a large administration and it will take some time to find who is at fault.” When asked when the investigation would begin, Bush said, “I’m the decider and I’ll let you know when I decide when the investigation will s-s-start.”

“Not to worry,” said Vice President Dick Cheney from an undisclosed snake infested bunker, “the s-s-s-snakes are in their last throes.”

Other buildings experiencing problems include the Pentagon. When questioned, Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld said, “there are knowables about the s-s-s-snakes and unknowables. We know the knowables, but it is the unknowables that we don’t know about that are the problem.”

“I wish we had ol’ Tom Delay back again,” said Speaker of the House Denis Hastart, “We are s-s-surly in need of an exterminator.” Hastard's remarks were in regard to the massive infestation of snakes in the halls of congress.

Trapped in the White House after hours, Actor Samuel L. Jackson currently on a national promotion tour, said to the Post-Times-Sun-Dispatch, “I’m tired of these motherf*&%kin’ snakes in this motherf*&%kin’ White House.” When asked if he had made progress for his pet charity the National Medical Muscular Federation Society, Jackson said, “you got it mixed up with another organization. This NMMFS stands for No More motherf*&%kin’ snakes.”