NATIONAL INTELLEGENCE REPORT LEAKING LIKE A SIEVE
by R. J. Shulman

WASHINGTON - First there was a leak of the National Intelligence Estimate (NIE) report stating that the terrorist threat has worsened since the Iraqi war. Then President Bush countered with a leak of his own, which stated that war in Iraq was a “cause celebre for jihadists.” “You can see the report was erroneously wrong,” said Bush, “as it uses French words and we all know the French are not true Americans.”

Bush further lashed out that the original leak was due to someone in his own administration wanting to make political hay, saying he would never sink to the level of using intelligence reports for political purpose, “which is why,” the President said, “I will not release the latest NIE report until after the election.” “Why confuse the voting public with lots of facts,” said Presidential Press Secretary Tony Snow, “when Fox News can explain just how frightened they should be when they go to cast their ballot.”

However, none of this could stop further leaks of the NIE report by Bush Administration officials. Vice President Dick Cheney leaked a portion of the report that stated that, “if you vote for any candidate with the letter D next to their name, be aware that the D stands for Devil.” Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld leaked a portion that stated that “as long as Halliburton vehicles were properly armored, there was no problem going to war with the equipment you have, even if woefully inadequate.”

Attorney General, Alberto Gonzales leaked a portion of the report that stated that “any and all US personnel should be court marshaled if they did not torture at least three people suspected of being Iraqis.” “Innocence or guilt,” Gonzales quoted from the report, “was immaterial.”

An unnamed Administration official leaked the final part of the report which stated that any report with the word “intelligence” in the title was a waste of time, considering who was occupying the White House. “Therefore,” the leaked report said, “the name of the next NIE report will be changed to the National Idiocy Estimate.”