SENATE PASSES BILL ON DETAINEES THAT FAILS TO RULE OUT CANNABALISM
By R. J. Shulman

WASHINGTON – By a vote of 65 to 34, the Senate passed a sweeping bill that defines the legal behavior regarding treatment of illegal combatant detainees. While much of the public debate centered around the loss of the right of habeas corpus, or judicial review of the detainee, the Post-Times-Sun-Dispatch has learned that the Republican sponsors of the bill had secretly debated whether the right to eat detainees should be restricted. In the end, the Bush Administration’s pro-cannibalism position prevailed.

“Water boarding and electrodes can only work for so long,” said Presidential Press Secretary Tony Snow, “and we can’t be weak when it comes to the need for getting the meaty details from our enemies.”

“There is so little time,” said Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld, “and so much data to consume that there shouldn’t be pesky restrictions that would starve our appetite for the truth.” “It was not specifically banned by our founding fathers,” said attorney General Alberto Gonzales, “in fact the phrase that the Government is ‘of the people’ suggests eating others is required by law. You are what you eat, you know.”

When asked if the proposed sanction of cannibalism would violate the Geneva convention, Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice said, “the Geneva Convention does not cover combatants not in uniform. You don’t see deer in uniforms and it is perfectly legal to eat venison.”

When asked about the new bill, Vice President Dich Cheney said, “now that eating the enemy is legal, my hunger is in its last throes.”