BUSH SIGNS CONSTITUTION RETIREMENT LAW
By R. J. Shulman

WASHINGTON – President George W. Bush signed a bill passed by congress that outlines the proper manner in which to retire an old copy of the United States Constitution. It provides that copies of the worn out and useless document must be disposed of in a specific fashion that involves burning the manuscript. “We don’t need no stinkin’ warrant,” Bush quipped as he signed the historic measure.

“Burning copies of the Constitution in a ceremonial manner is fitting for such a quaint old document,” said Attorney General Alberto Gonzales. “This should put to rest,” said Presidential Press Secretary Tony Snow, “the wailing cries of the ACLU and other terrorist organizations.”

“I can’t burn enough of these,” said a cheery Vice President Dick Cheney from his smoke filled bunker.

The President plans to burn the original document that was signed in Philadelphia in 1787 in the White House Rose Garden at a press conference scheduled for tomorrow At 3PM.

A similar bill, providing adequate retirement of the Magna Carter is winding its way through congress. “I will signacate that one, too,” said President Bush, “and will send anyone who voted against that bill to the Tower of London, and that ain’t some bargained priced high-rising luxury hotel you get on Priceline.”