HOUSE PASSSES ANTI-HOT PAGE BILL
By R. J. Shulman

WASHINGTON – By a vote of 269-152, mostly along party lines, the House passed a bill banning all hot young nubile pages from employment in any congressional office. “We have been infiltrated,” said Speaker of the House, J. Dennis Hastart R-Ill, “by a salacious group of young people bent upon destroying the Republican party by sexually enticing god-fearing Republican congressmen.”

“The preliminary research shows that these delicious sex-crazed youngsters were at one time trained by the Communists,” said Senior Presidential Advisor, Karl Rove, “but since the fall of the iron curtain, they have been sent here by Al Qaeda, funded by the Democrats and George Soros, and given the spotlight by the liberal media, especially ABC-TV.”

“We have to firmly get to the bottom of this,” said Representative Thomas M. Reynolds, R-NY, “before their firm bottoms get to all of us.”

“As the decider,” said President George W. Bush, “I have decided that these fabulously toned young people be declairified enemy combatants and shipped to undisclosed locations for questioning.”

An unnamed White House spokesperson said the pages will be interrogated by former Representative Mark Foley as soon as he is released from rehab. “It is only fair,” the spokesperson said, “that Mark gets to torture these hot pages after they had been torturing him for years.”