SENATOR BUNNING HOSPITALIZED FOR FINGER AND THROAT INJURIES
by R J Shulman

BETHESDA, Maryland - (PTSD News) - Sen. Jim Bunning (R-KY) was hospitalized today, according to his spokesperson, due to a severe finger sprain and acute hoarseness. Bunning blamed his middle finger injury on "those damn liberal reporters who needed me to flip them the bird to understand that when it comes to unemployment insurance extensions, my frickin' no means no." Apparently the hand injury occurred when the senator flipped the finger to a reporter who asked him why he was holding up unemployment benefits.

Sources close to the Kentucky Senator said that Bunning's actions to stop the extension of unemployment benefits was not simple obstructionism. "There was a real purpose here," said Bunning staffer Knox Covington, "Jim wanted to get the leaches and blood suckers kicked off the unemployment roles so that when they came crawling back they could be denied health insurance because every malady they had would then be a pre-existing condition."

Dr. Lawrence Fiske who treated the former Hall of Fame pitcher turned Senator said "his burned out throat looked like he had been screaming as if he had just won the World Series for the hapless Chicago Cubs, but he wrecked his vocal cords screaming 'no' for so many months that his voice just gave out."

A Bunning spokesman said the senator is anxious to get out of the hospital so he can get back to the important business of representing the people by buying himself a new yacht so he can sail away from "the annoying losers who are looking for government handouts when it comes to health care." "Jim says the call for health care reform is utterly ridiculous as his treatment at Bethesda Naval Hospital was the best in the world," the spokesman added.

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