TEXAS LEGISLATURE VOTES TO REWRITE BIBLE
by R J Shulman
AUSTIN, Texas - (PTSD News) - Fresh from their recent success in passing laws to rewrite school history textbooks to drop discussions of FDR and unions in favor of what they called conservative intellectuals such as George W. Bush, Sarah Palin and Joe the Plumber, the Texas Legislature passed a law that all Bibles in the state must be updated.

"The Bible was obviously written by Jewish liberals from New York," said Candace Sue Burnham (R-Plano), "so it's time we Christians take our Bible back to stress true family values such as hating gays, illegal Mexicans, Muslims and especially hating illegal gay Mexican Muslims." "The current version of the Bible is riddled with Communist propaganda about Jesus helping the poor," said Wayne Plugg (R-San Angelo), "that's obviously hogwash because if Jesus loved those poor people so much, he would have made them rich."

"Everyone knows that the gay agenda was to make sure the Bible left out all the gospels that our merciful Lord's greatest pleasure was to smite homosexuals," said Reverend Chuck Amer of the First Church of the Exploding Pentecost of Palestine, Texas, "so we're putting all that stuff back in."

The new approved Bible, named the King James Dobson version after the founder of the popular Focus on the Family broadcasts, also adds passages that anyone voting for Democrats must be stoned to death, that global warming is Satan's favorite lie, greediness is next to godliness, people who don't speak English should be banished from the kingdom, and that slavery is not so bad if it can keep those people off the streets. The hollowed out bible also comes with a handgun inside.

"The good Lord has smiled on us," said Carlton Bolton, the president and CEO of Hallelujah Press, a subsidiary of Halliburton who got a no bid exclusive contract to manufacture the new bibles. Bolton, a major contributor to the Bush/Cheney campaign and the Republican party said, "this is proof that God helps those that help themselves."

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