MCCAIN’S PLEA TO REPUBLICANS: I’M SO CONSERVATIVE, I MAKE RONALD REAGAN LOOK LIKE A COMMUNIST
By R J Shulman
PHOENIX – In a plea to get support from the conservative base of the Republican party that has so far shunned him, Arizona Senator John McCain said today that he is the real conservative in the Presidential race. “I’m so conservative,” he told reporters, “that, no offense to our patron saint, but I would have killed more Communists in my sleep than Ronald Reagan killed in his sleep. I’m so conservative that not only will I cut taxes to rich people, I will eliminate them entirely, heck I’ll even pay rich people back all of the taxes they ever paid in the past to the IRS.

“I’m so conservative,” he added, “that I’ll shoot anyone who supports Roe v Wade and propose legislation to kill anyone who ever had or assisted with an abortion since 1972. I’ll maim anyone who even mentions gay marriage. Shoot, I’m so conservative, I’ll bring Terry Shaivo back to life. I’ll kiss stem cells. I’ll personally drive an 18 wheeler full of oxycontin to Rush Limbaugh’s house. And if Huckabee claims the world is 6,000 years old, then I’ll believe the world is only 5,000 year old. Heck, I’ll even eat frickin’ Bibles until I poop out the Gospels. That’s how conservative I am.”

“He’s the real conservative deal,” said Frank Willey, a McCain supporter, “I mean who in their right mind wouldn’t’ vote for McCain when he says he will crucify anyone liberal enough to want peace, to help the poor and who wants to throw the money changers out of Congress?”