McCAIN GIVES REASONS FOR VOTING FOR TORTURE
By R J Shulman
PHOENIX – Senator John McCain surprised many by voting against a proposal to extend the Army Field Manual’s ban on waterboarding to all US military and security actions. In an exclusive interview with the Post Times Sun Dispatch, McCain said, “The surge is working and torture works. I know from personal experience. When those North Vietnamese soldiers stuck a hot poker up my keister, I spilled the beans. Why do you think we lost the Viet Nam war?” McCain said. “I gave away all the secrets. Now how is that for straight talk?”

“Torture does work,” said President Bush. “How do you think we got McCain to flop flip on now approvicating of torture. You would flop flip too if someone sticks a hot keister up your poker.”

“Allowing torture is good for the economy,” said Presidential Press Secretary Dana Perino. “Manufacturing waterboards and hot pokers provides jobs, well they did move to Chinese factories, but the companies make profits and pay taxes on those items, except they have moved their headquarters off shore and get tax breaks, well there must be a reason to allow torture and I have just been reminded by that hot poker coming my way.”

“What I want to know,” said Vice President Dick Cheney,” are the names and addresses of all those who think that torture doesn’t work.”