GOP ADMITS IT’S HARD TO FILL BUSH’S SCHIZOPHRENIC SHOES
By R J Shulman
WASHINGTON – Republican Party insiders told the Post-Times-Sun-Dispatch today that the reason it has been so difficult to find a candidate that excites the Republican base is that President Bush was able to cover multiple personas at the same time. “Bush was our dream candidate,” said Oslow Warring of the Republican National Committee, “he was a war lover, a religious fundamentalist, a corporatist, a big government and tax hater, a bully, and also quite lazy. We were able to come up with these qualities for 2008,” Warring said, “but it took six candidates to do it. McCain is our war hungry man, Huckabee can handle the religious right, Romney never saw an employer who couldn’t find cheaper labor even if he had to travel the whole wide world to find it, Ron Paul loves small government and even smaller taxes, Giuliani was my way or the me and Bernie Kerik will kick your ass highway, and they just don’t get any lazier than Fred Thompson.”

“With Bush’s multiple personalities,” said Ron Herring, of the GOP, “I guess you could call him President Sybil. On any given day, you never knew who you would get.” The GOP is trying to change the rules to be able to run all six hopefuls as one candidate. “Well call him Fredmitt Rudypaul McCainabee,” said Herring.

“It could be worse,” said one Republican insider, “we could have a couple of minorities fighting over the nomination. But we’ll just have to leave that one to the Democrats.”