WHAT’S NEXT FOR BUSH: I’LL BE POPE
By R J Shulman
WASHINGTON – President George W. Bush announced today that he is just about ready to “hang up the towel and throw in his spikes” and let someone else be the Commander in Chief. “There are two reasons I can now give up this job with a light heart,” he said. “First, my friends at Diebold and the Supurb Court have assuracated me that a GOPer will win the election and will keep the White House white, and keep my war goin’ for a hundred years or a century whichever is longer. And the third of my two reasons, is that I have asked my dad to make me the next Pope.”

“I am the perfectist choice for sittin’ on top of the Vatican,” Bush said. “The Pope has to be a decider like me, the Pope gets to start crusades and holy wars like me and like me the Pope never makes mistakes. I hear they call that being inflatable.”

“I just can’t wait for Bush to be the Pope,” said Fox’s Sean Hannity, “and get to watch Ted Kennedy have to kiss Bush’s ring.” “I am in full support of George to be the next Pontiff,” said Dick Cheney, “because somebody’s got to absolve me of all my sins.”

A surprise endorsement for Bush’s Papal ambitions came from a grainy videotape, purportedly of Osama Bin Laden. “I can only hope and pray,” the shadowy figure says in Arabic, “that Bush can do for the Catholic Church what he did to America.”