CASTRO RESIGNS: ADMITS TAKING STEROIDS AND APPOLOGIZES TO BASEBALL AND THE CUBAN PEOPLE
By R J Shulman
HAVANA, Cuba – Fidel Castro resigned today after nearly fifty years of iron-fisted rule of Cuba. In his farewell speech, he admitted taking steroids in a failed attempt to make the roster of the Chicago Cubs. “I was so wanting to be, how you say, on the Cubs that I took some enhancing drugs,” said Castro, “that now hangs heavy with regret on my heart.”

“I was so hopped up with ‘roid rage,” Castro explained, “that I overthrew my native country and threatened the United States with nuclear weapons. I really meant no harm to the wonderful people of America, I just wanted to nuke Chicago and send the Cubs and Mr. Wriggly to kingdom come.” Castro ended by saying that he realized he didn’t need to exact revenge on the Chicago Cubs, as “God has prevented them from winning the World Series for one hundred years.”