BEAR STEARNS: WE WOULDN’T HAVE GONE DOWN SO FAST IF WE HAD GOTTEN SOME SOCIAL SECURITY MONEY
by R J Shulman
NEW YORK - Former Bear Stearns CEO Al Schwartz told reporters today that Congress’ failure to privatize social security is the prime reason that his investment bank’s failure was so rapid. “If we had our share of the social security trust fund as President Bush had proposed,” Schwartz said, “our massive losses would have taken a year or two to happen instead of just two short months. It’s hard to properly prepare golden parachutes to our top executives like me,” Schwartz said, “when your demise is so quick.”

Wall Street analysts agree. Walter Iverson of Lehman Brothers said that the failure of the Democrat Congress to allow for the private investment of retirement funds, “severely hampered Wall Street’s ability to keep the economy going. You can’t play Monopoly,” said Iverson, “if you are not given the cash to invest in Boardwalk, Park Place or some hedge fund managed by your brother-in-law.”

“You can’t blamicate me with pointy fingers,” President Bush said, “It’s the fault of the do-nothing Democrat folks who wouldn’t let my friends on Wall Street have them social security monies. Instead, the selfish Democrats want to hog all that social security funds for the people who deserve them the least - retirees.”

BAGHDAD BOB REPLACED BY BAGHDAD BUSH
By R J Shulman
BAGHDAD, Iraq – In a move designed to assure residents, government officials and soldiers in Baghdad that everything is going well, President Bush gave a special address in which he said, “don’t hit the panic buttons, the surge is working and all of our goals are being met.” “The President’s reassurances are welcome music to us,” said Hamid Al-Saleemi, a 34 year old Baghdad unemployed construction worker, “we really miss Baghdad Bob who would tell us that nothing bad was going to happen to our lovely city.”

Baghdad Bob, whose real name is Mohammed Saeed al-Sahhaf was the Information Minister of Iraq at the beginning of the war who made announcements on Iraqi television that the American troops were ready to surrender when US tanks were only a few blocks from his broadcast studio. He has since become a symbol of government officials who stubbornly refuse to acknowledge facts.

When President Bush was asked where he got the idea to boost the morale of Iraq’s capital city which has seen a surge in violence in the past week, Bush said, “I just reachicated back down into my vast experiences of the past days, I don’t mean when I was dazed, but back when I cheered on the Yale cheerleading team, we yelled ‘two-four-six-eight, we’ll kick their butts ‘cause we are great,’ them cheers cheered up our footballers throwing hoops.”

“This new strategy is working well,” said Presidential Press Secretary Dana Perino. “So well, in fact, that the President plans to make cheerful speeches on how the economy is in great shape, that the people of New Orleans have nothing to worry about as the surge of building up the city is working, and for the American people not to worry because their civil liberties are safe and sound.”

U.S. MISTAKENLY SHIPPED MISSILE PARTS TO IRAN
By R J Shulman
WASHINGTON – The Air Force mistakenly shipped to Iran four electrical fuses designed for use on intercontinental ballistic missiles, the Pentagon said today. At a Pentagon news conference, Air Force Secretary Michael Wynne said the misshipped items may have also included plans on how to build nuclear weapons along with some yellow cake uranium. They were sent instead of what had been ordered by Iran, which were three pairs of jeans, a Big Mac and a Britney Spears CD.

Secretary of Defense, Condoleezza Rice said, “It is apparent that we now have evidence that Iran has restarted its nuclear weapons program. We must take action because we don’t want the smoking gun to be a mushroom cloud.” Rice stated that Iran has just three days to turn over all its weapons of mass destruction or the United States and its coalition of the willing, a group to be named later, will have to take immediate and decisive action. She indicated that she already has authorization from the UN and the United States Congress to use force if necessary. “We can use the previous authorizations we used on Iraq to invade Iran,” she said, “the intent of those documents was clear, there was just a typo where a ‘q,’ was used instead of an ‘n’ making it Iran that we should have invaded in the first place.”

President Bush was briefed on the shipping mishap. He said, “Couldn’t you have waited until I finished the end of reading My Pet Goat before we shock and awicate them A-rabs in Iran?”

Defense secretary Roberts Gates has ordered a full-scale investigation, naming Vice President Dick Cheney, John Bolton and Senators Joe Lieberman (I-CT) and John McCain (R-AZ) to investigate. “I want a non-partisan, level headed committee to study the issue and look toward a peaceful solution.”

“To get to the bottom of this,” said Vice President Cheney, “we may have to go to the dark side, if you will. I see no choice but to make a preemptive strike,” Cheney concluded, “which means, of course, that the world is in its final throes.”

HILLARY: I’LL STAY IN THE RACE EVEN IF SOMEONE ELSE IS ELECTED PRESIDENT
By R J Shulman
HARRISBURG, Pennsylvania – Hillary Clinton announced today that she will stay in the Presidential race no matter what, even after someone else is sworn in as President. “The American people want someone who won’t cut and run, who will not accept defeat,” she told a crowd outside Pennsylvania’s capital building. “They will want someone with the strength of character and experience who won’t waiver or give up over some small set back such as losing the election.”

“Just because she may not win the popular vote,” said James Carville, “doesn’t mean she can’t be President. Just look at George W. Bush.” “You mean even if Obama is elected, the country will allow her to stay in the race?” asked Reverend Jeremiah Wright, “All I got to say is G-d damn America.”

BUSH INJURED WHEN HE CONFUSES BODY ORIFICE WITH GEOLOGICAL OPENING
By R J Shulman
CRAWFORD, Texas – President Bush was slightly injured today due to an apparent confusion between a body part and the ground. “I don’t know what to think,” said Laura Bush. “First I saw George wiping an indentation in the earth with some toilet paper. Then I heard a scream. George had a drill and was drilling in his, you know, where you sit.”

The President, who is recuperating said, “I don’t know what all the fuss is about the big deal. I just thought there was some natural gas in there and I wanted to do my part to unleash the energy crisis.” Presidential Press Secretary Dana Perino said, “Just because the President was searching for Texas crude does not mean he’s a crude Texan.”

“What this is all about,” said a source close to the President, “is that Bush simply doesn’t know his backside from a depression in the ground. What concerns me,” said the source, who wished to remain anonymous, “is what else he might not know. He could confuse Saddam Hussein for Osama Bin Laden and then where would we be?”

EXCLUSIVE! LIEBERMAN DUMPS BUSH FOR McCAIN
By R J Shulman
BAGDAD, Iraq – The Post Times Sun Dispatch has learned that Senator Joseph Lieberman, (I-CT) has left long time beau George W. Bush for Arizona Senator John McCain. “Rumors were flying about the break-up,” said a reliable source, “but all doubts were off about the split when Joe was seen in public in Iraq on John’s arm and most telling of all, whispering in his ear. Now everybody thinks,” the source said, “that Joe’s whisper was to correct McCain by telling him that Al Quieda was not involved with Iran, but what he really said in John’s ear was that he, Joe was not involved with George W.”

“Lieberman’s just a skank who’s jumped from Kerry to Bush and now to McCain. He has no idea about how to have a committed relationship,” said Newt Gingrich who was having dinner with his third wife. When asked by the Post Times Sun Dispatch, George W. Bush said, “I am the decider, and I decided to dump Lieberman, he didn’t’ dump me. Besides, I don’t really care whose prosterior his lips are gluicated to, he just loved me for my oval office.”

McCain welcomed Lieberman’s support, saying, “I think our relationship will last one-hundred years.. Lieberman was unavailable for comment. When Senator Larry Craig heard the story he said, “Now that’s gay.”

BUSH ON OBAMA’S SPEECH: HE’S TRYING TO MAKE RACE A BLACK AND WHITE ISSUE
by R J Shulman
WASHINGTON – President Bush broke his silence on Barak Obama’s major speech on race relations by saying that Obama has the issue all wrong. “Americans all understand that when it comes to race,” the President said, “the only issue about race that is important is who wins the NASCAR race. Now take my nameshake, you know the guy who has the same name and me, Kyle Busch, now his racecar is not just black and white like Obama would have you believe. It’s got red and blue with them stickers stuck on by the people who stick with Kyle through thin and thick. Obama obviously is not a fan of liking NASCAR, so he’s not qualified to be President.”

“I don’t think Obama is competent to speak about race,” said Newt Gingrich, “If you want to talk to someone who knows about this issue you need to find someone who has the experience of dealing with race relations, like Bill O’Reilly. He’s a very sensitive fair-minded individual who actually ate at Sylvia’s Restaurant, which, as you know, is run by those people.”

FOX NEWS REPORTS OBAMA PASSPORT STUDY PROVES HE VISITED TERRORISTS
by R J Shulman

NEW YORK – Fox News said today in an exclusive report that it learned from a reliable source close to the persons who illegally accessed Senator Barak Obama’s passport file that the Presidential candidate was in Prague, Vienna, Paris and Cairo. “It’s obvious that he was in those cities to meet with terrorists,” said Fox’s Brit Hume. Bill Burton, a spokesman from Obama’s campaign said that those were cities and town in Illinois and that the senator was talking to his constituents. “That’s a lame excuse,” said Bill O'Reilly after he heard Burton’s comments. “And I guess we are supposed to believe that Obama was looking for a lemon pastry when he asked for a yellow cake when he was in Nigeria? Every good thinking American knows that Barak Hussein Obama’s name screams terrorist.”

The Passport file scandal widened even further when it was discovered that John McCain’s files were also illegally accessed. “We think that someone was trying to see if McCain was stupid enough to have visited Iran to look for Al Quida and Osama Bin Laden,” said Bill Wallace of the State Department.

President Bush indicated that he will ask Congress to pass a bill that will grant retroactive immunity to any contractor who illegally accessed passport records. The President told reporters that “we can’t fail to allowicate greedy lawyers and terrorist killer synthesizers to sue the pants off people who snooped in passport files when the snoopers were only trying to win the war on terrorist Presidential candidates.”

BEAR MARKET BEARS UNBEARABLE BEAR STEARNS BAIL OUT
By R J Shulman
NEW YORK - As the market turned sour, so did the fortunes of Wall Street brokerage firm, Bear Stearns. The brokerage bank was headed for collapse when the Federal Reserve and J. P. Morgan Chase rescued the troubled firm.

US Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson, who has received criticism for using federal funds for the bailout said, “The Government is prepared to do what it takes to bail out its friends who have made bad predatory loans. It would be imprudent though to try and bail out some poor schnook in Detroit or Cleveland who fell for one of these bad loans as that would only encourage stupid people to accept stupid bad loans in the future.”

Some of the critics have stated that Bear Stearns should take responsibility for their bad investments and that the money used to save them is much needed elsewhere. “I can’t believe the audacious audacity of some lazy welfare cheatin’ Americans,” said President Bush, “who say we should spendicate our hard earned taxes on infrastructure, you know, bridges that can’t hold back the surging tides or to build levies that drive you from one place to another. However,” Bush continued, “as the Decider, I have decided that I will make as much decisions possible to fix this problem ifor everyone in a way like the heck of a job Brownie did way down yonder in New Orleans while Katrina burst on board. American's must understand that this bail out will have to come out of little children’s lunch money, but those children wouldn't have time to eat anyway as they need all their time to study for them tests for my no child’s right behind program.”

The bail out and federal guaranteed allowed J P Morgan Chase to buy Bear Stearns for $2 a share. The rescue of the bank also guaranteed that Bear Stearns CEO Alan D. Schwartz will be able to leave the company with a six hundred and sixty-six million dollar severance package.

CHENEY UNVEILS NEW GOP “SO?” ELECTION STRATEGY TO COMBAT ANY CHARGES FROM DEMS
By R J Shulman
NEW YORK – Vice President Dick Cheney revealed the new Republican election strategy during an interview with ABC-TV’s Martha Raddatz. After Cheney said that the US had made major success in the Iraq war, Ms. Raddatz asked how his statement could be reconciled with the fact that about two-thirds of the American people believe that the fight in Iraq is just not worth it. Cheney responded by saying, “So?”

“We thought this was a good time to try out our bold new approach,” said Stix Larsen of the Republican National Committee. “The plan is whenever the Republicans are accused of any misdeeds, failures or downright criminal activity, the response will be ‘so?’ There is just no comeback to that gem. For example,” Larsen said, “if someone asks McCain if he thinks its OK to spend billions in Iraq and leave poor children without health care, all he has to do is say ‘so?’ Even he can handle that.”

“This is not a new strategy,” said Clifford Bauer of the Rand Institute. “It hasn’t been used since Hitler was asked how he could reconcile the murder of innocent Jews, Gypsies and others with Christianity and basic common humane behavior. He was quoted as saying, “Ja” a German form of ‘yes’ that in his particular context had the same meaning as Cheney’s ‘so?’ This ‘so?’ strategy was also used quite effectively by Torquemada during the Spanish Inquisition, by Attilla the Hun and by Satan himself.”

The Democrats are scrambling to combat this powerful new GOP plan. “So far all we have come up with,” said Democratic Chairman Howard Dean, “is to answer the ‘so?’ with ‘so what’ or ‘sos your old man’ but we think they will be about as effective as John Kerry’s response to those swift boat ads.”

BUSH ON FIVE YEAR ANNIVERSARY OF IRAQ INVASION: I’D MAKE MY MISTAKES ALL OVER AGAIN
By R J Shulman
WASHINGTON – President Bush spoke today at the Defense Department to mark the five year anniversary of the invasion of Iraq saying that if he had to do it all over again he wouldn’t change a thing. “The battle in Iraq is noble, necessary and just,” the President said, “just something I felt like doing. I commend all of the great courage I’ve witnessed, mostly my courage for ignoricating facts and common decency to overcome the will of the American people to do what I think is right, right for me.”

“I am a war president, which is more popular than an un-war president. I made this decision as the decider because if it wasn’t for war, terror and torture, what would I have to talk about? How my pet goat helped me clear brush on my ranch? Get seriously real.” The President ended by saying, “In conclusion, I will endicate the finish of my remarks by saying that the mission is re-accomplished and will probably be re-accomplished for a hundred years.”

GOP WINS NBC’S LAST REVEREND STANDING WITH SURPRISE HAGEE VICTORY
By R J Shulman
NEW YORK - In a shoot-out down to the wire finish, the Republican Party’s red team defeated the Democrat’s blue team when Reverend John Hagee out lasted Reverend Jeremiah Wright to be crowned this season’s winner of highly rated NBC’s Last Reverend Standing. The program pits men of the cloth against each other to see who can say the most offensive hateful comments in front of their congregations without getting knocked down by fierce media condemnation.

For years, the blue team had a lock on the prize with long time champions Reverend Jesse Jackson and Louis Farrakhan. This year looked like another certain win with a newcomer, the feisty Reverend Jeremiah Wright of Chicago. “When Reverend Wright said ‘God-Damn America’” said red team captain Karl Rove, “I thought we were a goner, but that comment even ticked off those liberal America-hating ACLU press types who said Reverend Wright was wrong.”

The red team had hoped that long time runner-up Ted Haggard could finally win this year. Haggard was scheduled to make a comeback after having to resign his post with the New Life Church of Colorado Springs last season after a gay sex scandal. “He had completed rehab that was supposed to set him straight,” said Reverend Duke Hubbard of the red team, “but when he was asked how the rehab went he said ‘fabulous’ so he had to be sent back to rehab for some tooling.”

Even worse for the red team was the death of one of their strongest players, Reverend Jerry Fallwell. “He was called upstairs by the Lord,” said red team coach Dick Cheney, “or perhaps called below by someone from the dark side, if you will.”

“But in true dramatic fashion," said Last Reverend Standing host Brian Dunkelman, “Reverend Hagee blurted out that the Catholic Church was ‘the great whore.’ Not only did the press give him a free pass, but Presidential hopeful John McCain actually embraced Hagee’s endorsement to his campaign. As Elvis would say,” concluded Dunkelman, “they were crying in the chapel.”

BILL O’REILLY: PRESIDENTIAL RACE WOULDN’T BE ABOUT RACE IF OBAMA HADN’T CHOSEN TO BE BLACK
By R J Shulman
NEW YORK – Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly said today that it’s not anyone else’s fault but Barak Obama himself that race has become an issue in this year’s Presidential contest. “It’s an absolutely proven fact that if Obama hadn’t chosen to be an African American no one would be bringing up any issues of race.”

“I suppose,” O’Reilly continued, “that he just wanted to cash in on all the advantages you get if you choose the black lifestyle. Ever since blacks got a free ride from Africa to America, I mean you didn’t hear any first mate saying pass me the MF ticket you bought, so all these years they feel entitled to freebies. Frankly, I’m tired of being a slave to hearing blacks put down the greatest country in the world.”

“If Obama had the good sense to choose to be white,” O’Reilly concluded, “the only valid criticism I or any good thinking American could have against him are his initials, ‘BO’ which of course stand to body odor - oops, those are my initials, too.”

McCAIN CHOOSES RUNNING MATE: RELUCTANT GOP SUPPORTS CHOICE

by R J Shulman

BAGDAD, Iraq – John McCain announced today from Iraq where he is inspecting the progress of the surge, that he has selected his running mate, a two-hundred pound English Mastiff named Killer. “I need someone who's not be afraid to participate in a dog fight,” he said. “and I want someone who will be able to take a bite out of terror. Killer has both those qualities and the killer instinct, of course.

”We think this is a winning ticket,” said a McCain spokesperson, “McCain and Killer, the dogs of war, of a hundred year war.” “He has been well trained,” said Phil Kaiser, a GOP spokesman, “and can read My Pet Goat faster than you know who or was that he can eat a pet goat faster than you know who.”

Not all Republicans were pleased with the surprise choice. “We were shocked at first,” said Wayne Greist, of the Republican National Committee, “were hoping he would choose something more in line with the Republican base, like a rotweiller or a pit bull. Mastiffs can be a little too mellow and could wuss out like a Democrat.”

PRESSURE COOKER IN WHITE HOUSE KITCHEN EXPLODES: BUSH PUTS FOOD ON HIS FAMILY
By R J Shulman
WASHINGTON - An explosion rocked the White House kitchen last night when a pressure cooker blew it’s lid. President Bush, his wife Laura and their two daughters were in the kitchen at the time of the mishap. They were splattered with food, but otherwise unhurt.

“We are investigating the matter,” said Charles Boynton of the Secret Service. “We have no idea what happened but we have not ruled out terrorism.”

The President said, “I wanted to show my family what’s behind the yellow brick curtain of the white house kitchen where the cooks cook things when I noticed the thingy on the top of the pot was rattling up a storm ‘cause it was un-loose, so I tried to fix it and then poof – the air filed with flying meat as the pork roast flew all over my family.”

“I told George a while back,” Laura said, “that the day he knew his way around the kitchen is the day pigs fly. Well, the pig meat flew all right, but I still think he’s a bit out of his league when it comes to preparing food.”

“The President has received unfair criticism for his use of language,” said Presidential Press Secretary Dana Perino, “but this proves that when the President said it was important to put food on your family, he meant it was important to put food on your family.”

SPITZER LAMENTS LOSS OF JOB: I SHOULDN’T HAVE HAD SEX, I SHOULD HAVE INVADED VERMONT
By R J Shulman
ALBANY, New York – Soon to be ex-New York Governor Eliot Spitzer told reporters that he regrets having a illicit sexual affair and that he would still be Governor if he had taken other actions, that while questionable, would have at least kept impeachment off the table. “I should have ordered the New York National Guard to make a preemptive strike on Vermont to overthrow it’s large group of anti-American Bush bashing insurgents who have weapons of mass destruction I heard are hidden near Brattleboro, or I could have illegally wiretapped New Yorkers who could be enemy combatants, or hell, I could have bankrupted the New York treasury, ordered my buddies in the AG’s office to go after my political enemies and claimed I was even less gay than Larry Craig. All in all,” Spitzer said, “had I waterboarded Senator Bernie Sanders in Sing Sing and not room and boarded Kristen in Washington, I could have stayed in office.”

A spokesman close to the Spitzer family said that the former Governor was going to enter rehab at an undisclosed location in upstate New York. “He is going to get some help,” said the spokesman, “so he can emerge a healthy homophobic Christian soldier.”

BUSH TO SEND CHENEY TO MIDDLE EAST TO “WHIP UP SOME PEACE”
By R J Shulman
WASHINGTON - President Bush announced today that he will send Vice President Dick Cheney on a five nation mission to the middle east to “whip up some peace.” The President said, “At first, I wanted to send Dick to the Middle West, but my advisors said we had made progress there ‘cause Kansas and Iowa were not fighting anymore on the eve of destruction, so I’m sending him to the Mid-East where I hear there is plenty of un-peace ready to break out.”

“I will be going to visit leaders in the Middle East with my message of hope, “Cheney said, “telling them I hope they’ll do what I want, or else we will hit them again and hit them hard.” “Cheney is such a skillful ambassador,” said Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice, “he is clearly in the league with the best, like John Bolton.”

“I know that we can get everyone to walk down my roadmap to peace,” Bush said. “I have complete trust in my confidence man, Dick Cheney that he can crusade to get the Arabs on board and convert the Jews to a better way of thinking peaceful thoughts about un-war and stuff.”

BUSH SURPRISED BY DECLINE IN ECONOMY
By R J Shulman
WASHINGTON – President Bush said today that talk of the US economy being in trouble was “news to me. I’m not sure where these nay saying sayers of negative bad things about America get informed from,” Bush said at a White House press conference, “but all the people I know like my friends at Halliburton and Exxon are firm believers in an especially strong economics.” The President said, “I want to put to rest all the worricated Americans who are worried about recession loving terrorists that we are tapping the wires of the anti-American economy haters who hate us for our economy and who also think that the Iraq war is not going better with our surges, who don’t think that Brownie did a heck of a job when New Orleans got Katrined, or who think that torture is not a good weapon to use to promote freedom and justice.”

The President answered a few questions and ended by saying, “If anyone thinks the economy could use a shot in the stimulous, they should go out and buy some bread or guns or go out and get a new job or two like me for instance when I am not deciding important decisions, I am clearing brush on my ranch.”

“I don’t know what all the fuss is about,” said Laura Bush. “If they can’t buy bread, let them eat cake.”

PHARMACEUTICALS FOUND IN WATER SUPPLY, CONSUMERS TO PAY MORE AT THE TAP
By R J Shulman
FLEMING, New Jersey – With the recent discovery of traces of mood stabilizers, hormones, tranquilizers and other drugs in the water supply, pharmaceuticals companies are lobbying Congress to pass a bill that would place a surcharge on the effected water. “We have to be fair,” said Ryan McNabb, a spokesman for Fizer, Inc., “we can’t have some people paying for their medicine while others freeload on the water.”

The proposed language of the bill would also prohibit Americans from crossing the border into Canada to get water. “We must protect the American consumer from Canadian water which may not be safe,” said Wesley Chambers of Merck, Inc. The bill is expected to pass congress. President Bush has promised to sign the bill. “I will put my James Hancock on this law because like me, it supporticates the safteyness of the water and will help prevent the scariest of scaries, socialized water.”

McCAIN SAYS HE WILL FINALLY END WAR: THE VIET NAM WAR
By R J Shulman
PHOENIX - Senator John McCain, the likely Republican candidate for President in November said today that he is ready to propose a timetable to end the war, the Viet Nam War. “My friends,” McCain said to a small gathering in Phoenix, “my plan is to first send our troops to Viet Nam to liberate the freedom loving people of South Viet Nam from the Commies in the North and then I’ll personally hunt down the goo… of how I hate political correctness, I mean the guys who held me prisoner.”

Leonard Spoiler, a spokesman for McCain said, “John knows the time is right to finally win this war now that the US can use torture on the enemies and illegal wire taps to round up the domestic enemy combatants, you know the war protesters. In addition,” Spoiler continued, “the media these days won’t get the gullible public all riled up like they did three decades ago by showing the horror of war and soldiers who are dead. Today the media would rather show the horror of Britney Spears and Linsay Lohan who is dead drunk.”

BUMPER CROP THIS YEAR OF REJECTED BUMPER STICKERS
By R J Shulman
DECATUR, Illinois – The Post Times Sun Dispatch has learned that an unusually large number of political bumper stickers were ordered but were never used as they found little support from the various candidates’ followers. “There are always some unpopular stickers in election years, you know, ones that don’t catch on,” said Chris Stuckey, President of Stickit, Inc., the largest manufacturer of bumper stickers, “but this year we had a record number of real losers. I don’t know what these people were thinking.”

The Post Times Sun Dispatch has learned that some of the bumper stickers that received little interest before they were discarded included:

VISUALIZE WORLD WAR – VOTE McCAIN

VOTE FOR HUCKABEE FOR CHRIST SAKE

LET GUILIANI RUN AMERICA LIKE HE RAN HIS CAMPAIGN

END THE ENERGY CRISIS – VOTE FOR FRED THOMPSON

STOP THINKING ABOUT CHANGE FOR A CHANGE – McCAIN 2008

ROMNEY 2008 – A WHITE MORMON GUY IS STILL BETTER THAN A WOMAN OR A BLACK MAN

EDWARDS 2008 – CHECK IT OUT, I GOT RID OF KERRY

CLINTON 08 – WATCH OUT MONICA, I’VE GOT THE BOMB

OBAMA 08 – WATCH OUT MONICA, SHE’S GOT THE BOMB

And the sticker that found not a single taker:
CHENEY 08

FOX NEWS: STUDY SHOWS LIBERAL TALK RADIO CAUSES CANCER
By R J Shulman
NEW YORK – According to Fox News, a recently released study published in the Sheboygan Journal of Medicine proves listening to progressive talk radio causes cancer and other diseases. Walter Menteroso, a scientist known for his recent study indicating that cigarettes, DDT an lead paint promote health and clean-up the environment said, “when we subjected rats to hours of liberal talk radio, they became very ill. Specifically, Randy Rhodes gave them rashes, hives from Thom Hartmann, Peter B. Collins caused cancer, and Stephanie Miller,well they just died on the spot.”

“I always knew liberalism was a disease,” said talk show host Michael Savage. “It would be just like rats to listen to liberals,” said Ann Coulter. Sean Hannity said, “That proves that Michael Moore is the real sicko.”

“What was very curious,” said Monteroso, “was when the rats listened to conservative talk, the rats lined up in single file and showed no signs of illness. They just ate their children.” “It looks like the liberal rats got ill,” said Raleigh Smithfield of the Rand Institute who studied the report, “because they got sick with worry over global warming, immoral wars, a tanking economy, illegal wiretapping and torture, while the conservative rats were told the surge was working and there were other rats running through mazes over there so they didn’t have to run through mazes over here.”

BUSH TOUTS FIVE YEAR ANNIVERSARY OF HOMELAND SECURITY
By R J Shulman
WASHINGTON – President George W Bush led a ceremony at the White House marking the fifth anniversary of the formation of the Office Of Homeland Security, today. “Who would have thought,” the President said, “five years ago that we would not have had another attack on American soil from those terrorist killers.

Of course,” the President continued, “no one could have know that a hurricane could have broken the levies during hurricane season in New Orleans which is in hurricane alley and no once could have known that no putting money into infrastructure stuff could make bridge fall in the ocean between Minneapolis and St. Paul in Wisconsin, and no one could have known that barrels of oil prices going up could make a four dollar gallon of gas that Americans would have to put on their family and no one knew that relaxing regulations about imports from China and sending jobs to China to save money would mean we would get led paint in our food and tainted toys and jobs lost., so don’t be blamicating me.”

The ceremony was cut short when it was discovered that the National Guard and Secret Service personnel needed to protect the nation’s Capital and the President had been recently deployed to Iraq. “Who could have known,” said the President, “that sending all our resources to Iraq to fight them over there so they won’t fight us here, would leave our homeland so unprotecticated.”

McCAIN TO CHANGE NAME TO McCANT TO BATTLE
OBAMA’S MESSAGE OF HOPE
By R J Shulman

WASINGTON - In a move to better define his position on the issues, Senator John McCain announced today during his meeting with President Bush that he will change his name from John McCain to John McCant. “Barak Obama’s message of hope is downright dangerous,” McCain said, “letting just anyone think that they can succeed will lead to anarchy.”

“Senator Obama is playing a cruel joke on the American people and honest John McCain is coming to the rescue,” said Harry Wabash, a McCain campaign chairman until he recently resigned in the wake of an indictment for fraud, “because unless you are already rich, all this talk of hope will give people a false sense of, you got it, hope.”

President George Bush with his arm around his former rival said of McCain, “I endorseicate this man with the no-can-do attitude even if I had to kick his ass to the curb in South Carolina in 2000. He has shown growth by kiss my ass so much my cheeks hurt, heh-heh. But most important he has assuricated me that he won’t pull my legacy by making sure he keeps up the fight on the Shiites and the Sheehans in our war on terror that we brought to Iraq. Besides,” Bush concluded, “John stands for the Republican three “Rs” that keeps getting’ us electicated at the polls on election time, Racism, Religion and Wrath.”

SOROS BEHIND HOSTILE TAKEOVER OF DIEBOLD; GOP FURIOUS
By R J Shulman
NORTH CANTON, Ohio – It was revealed today that Democratic Party financier George Soros is behind the VoteMagic Partners Group hostile takeover bid for Diebold, Inc, the Ohio based ATM and voting machine manufacturer. “Say what you will, said Soros, “my takeover of Diebold is both less costly and more efficient at winning elections than using the traditional method of actually campaigning for votes. In the end, it’s not which votes count, it’s who counts the votes.”

Harry Rosten, of the Republican National Committee was understandably angry. “How dare they plagiarize our way of winning elections. We will now have to make sure that all the votes are counted, especially in Florida where we will have to protect against Democrat thugs coming down south to stop the vote and call us ‘sore losers.’” “It is imperative,” said Karl Rove, “to stop the Democrats from abusing the power of the Supreme Court to select the next President and thus, thwart the will of the people.”

Soros is confident that his generous offer will be accepted by the shareholders. “I’m also confident,” said Soros, “that Diebold should be able to announce the vote totals for the 2008 Presidential election well before November.”

SUPREME COURT ON EXXON VALDEZ: STOP CRYING OVER SPILT OIL
By R J Shulman
WASHINGTON – The Supreme Court heard the arguments of counsel in the Exxon Valdez case regarding whether or not punitive damages should be awarded against the petroleum giant. While the court seemed cool toward defense counsel’s claim that the oil spill could have been caused by rouge birds and fish hanging around discarded motor oil at gas stations and then bringing the oil to the Alaskan coast, the Court did seem to favor defendant’s claim that Exxon should not be held responsible for punitive damages caused by the spill from their tanker, the Exxon Valdez in March 1989 which severely damaged Prince William Sound.

Justice Scalia seemed to favor the defense argument that it was foreseeable that a drunken captain could hit ground and spill vast amounts of oil and it would have been prudent for the birds, fish and fisherman to put the oil back in barrels rather than run blubbering like little babies to the nearest liberal environmental group and greedy trial lawyers. Chief Justice Roberts believed that taking earnings from the oil companies, even if it amounted to about three days worth of earnings, was an illegal taking and violated the Fourth Amendment. Justice Alito said he considered the matter a nuisance lawsuit and that damages should actually be awarded to Exxon whose good name had been, “besmirched by reckless accusations by trial attorneys and baby seal hugging anti-Americans.

President Bush, supporting Exxon, said an award of punitive damages would be, “unfair, unfair, and more to the point, unfair. I could see myself as that poor drunken sailor,” the President said, “running the ship into that reefer. Besides, no one could have known that an oil tanker split into three halves could leak oil.”

Dick Cheney said it was ridiculous for Americans to cry over spilled oil as “we have plenty more of where that came from in Iraq and soon in Iran.” Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice said, “Thank God for the Supreme Court and thank God it wasn’t the tanker with my name that ran aground.”

The Court is expected to render its decision sometime in July. “If the Court awards punitive damages against us,” said Exxon CEO Rex Tillerson, “I guess I’ll have to fire myself with a severance package worth at least the Gross National Product of 95% of the known universe.”

McCAIN GETS RELUCTANT HITLER ENDORSEMENT
by R J Shulman
BRUNAU, Austria - Citing that he was the lesser of all the evils, Adolph Hitler endorsed the candidacy of Senator John McCain. “While McCain sometimes has fits of conscience, he is far superior to a woman or a black man,” Hitler said, “I do like McCain’s position on the preemptive war in Iraq. Makes me nostalgic for what I did to Poland. But what is this talk of a only a hundred year war, John? Grow some balls. Your empire is supposed to last for a thousand years.”

“I was hoping that Giuliani’s thug tactics or Tancredo’s hatred of foreigners would win out,” Hitler said from the secret bunker he sometimes shares with Dick Cheney, “but McCain should grow into the job as he’s coming around with all his straight talk about expanding the war. My favorite, of course, is George W. Bush with his glorious patriotic lying, spying, and fear mongering. And when he established a department of Homeland Security, I practically wet myself. I don’t know why Bush doesn’t try for a third term, though. He broke so many laws already, why not disregard the one about the two term limit?”

McCain said that he was still reveling in the joy of receiving the endorsement from far right conservative Reverend John Hagee, that he had no comment on Hitler’s support. However, a McCain spokesman said he believed that McCain would accept this latest endorsement as “John will need all the help he can get to defeat the enemies of America.”