SPITZER LAMENTS LOSS OF JOB: I SHOULDN’T HAVE HAD SEX, I SHOULD HAVE INVADED VERMONT
By R J Shulman
ALBANY, New York – Soon to be ex-New York Governor Eliot Spitzer told reporters that he regrets having a illicit sexual affair and that he would still be Governor if he had taken other actions, that while questionable, would have at least kept impeachment off the table. “I should have ordered the New York National Guard to make a preemptive strike on Vermont to overthrow it’s large group of anti-American Bush bashing insurgents who have weapons of mass destruction I heard are hidden near Brattleboro, or I could have illegally wiretapped New Yorkers who could be enemy combatants, or hell, I could have bankrupted the New York treasury, ordered my buddies in the AG’s office to go after my political enemies and claimed I was even less gay than Larry Craig. All in all,” Spitzer said, “had I waterboarded Senator Bernie Sanders in Sing Sing and not room and boarded Kristen in Washington, I could have stayed in office.”

A spokesman close to the Spitzer family said that the former Governor was going to enter rehab at an undisclosed location in upstate New York. “He is going to get some help,” said the spokesman, “so he can emerge a healthy homophobic Christian soldier.”