SUPREME COURT ON EXXON VALDEZ: STOP CRYING OVER SPILT OIL
By R J Shulman
WASHINGTON – The Supreme Court heard the arguments of counsel in the Exxon Valdez case regarding whether or not punitive damages should be awarded against the petroleum giant. While the court seemed cool toward defense counsel’s claim that the oil spill could have been caused by rouge birds and fish hanging around discarded motor oil at gas stations and then bringing the oil to the Alaskan coast, the Court did seem to favor defendant’s claim that Exxon should not be held responsible for punitive damages caused by the spill from their tanker, the Exxon Valdez in March 1989 which severely damaged Prince William Sound.

Justice Scalia seemed to favor the defense argument that it was foreseeable that a drunken captain could hit ground and spill vast amounts of oil and it would have been prudent for the birds, fish and fisherman to put the oil back in barrels rather than run blubbering like little babies to the nearest liberal environmental group and greedy trial lawyers. Chief Justice Roberts believed that taking earnings from the oil companies, even if it amounted to about three days worth of earnings, was an illegal taking and violated the Fourth Amendment. Justice Alito said he considered the matter a nuisance lawsuit and that damages should actually be awarded to Exxon whose good name had been, “besmirched by reckless accusations by trial attorneys and baby seal hugging anti-Americans.

President Bush, supporting Exxon, said an award of punitive damages would be, “unfair, unfair, and more to the point, unfair. I could see myself as that poor drunken sailor,” the President said, “running the ship into that reefer. Besides, no one could have known that an oil tanker split into three halves could leak oil.”

Dick Cheney said it was ridiculous for Americans to cry over spilled oil as “we have plenty more of where that came from in Iraq and soon in Iran.” Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice said, “Thank God for the Supreme Court and thank God it wasn’t the tanker with my name that ran aground.”

The Court is expected to render its decision sometime in July. “If the Court awards punitive damages against us,” said Exxon CEO Rex Tillerson, “I guess I’ll have to fire myself with a severance package worth at least the Gross National Product of 95% of the known universe.”