BEAR STEARNS: WE WOULDN’T HAVE GONE DOWN SO FAST IF WE HAD GOTTEN SOME SOCIAL SECURITY MONEY
by R J Shulman
NEW YORK - Former Bear Stearns CEO Al Schwartz told reporters today that Congress’ failure to privatize social security is the prime reason that his investment bank’s failure was so rapid. “If we had our share of the social security trust fund as President Bush had proposed,” Schwartz said, “our massive losses would have taken a year or two to happen instead of just two short months. It’s hard to properly prepare golden parachutes to our top executives like me,” Schwartz said, “when your demise is so quick.”

Wall Street analysts agree. Walter Iverson of Lehman Brothers said that the failure of the Democrat Congress to allow for the private investment of retirement funds, “severely hampered Wall Street’s ability to keep the economy going. You can’t play Monopoly,” said Iverson, “if you are not given the cash to invest in Boardwalk, Park Place or some hedge fund managed by your brother-in-law.”

“You can’t blamicate me with pointy fingers,” President Bush said, “It’s the fault of the do-nothing Democrat folks who wouldn’t let my friends on Wall Street have them social security monies. Instead, the selfish Democrats want to hog all that social security funds for the people who deserve them the least - retirees.”