BEAR MARKET BEARS UNBEARABLE BEAR STEARNS BAIL OUT
By R J Shulman
NEW YORK - As the market turned sour, so did the fortunes of Wall Street brokerage firm, Bear Stearns. The brokerage bank was headed for collapse when the Federal Reserve and J. P. Morgan Chase rescued the troubled firm.

US Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson, who has received criticism for using federal funds for the bailout said, “The Government is prepared to do what it takes to bail out its friends who have made bad predatory loans. It would be imprudent though to try and bail out some poor schnook in Detroit or Cleveland who fell for one of these bad loans as that would only encourage stupid people to accept stupid bad loans in the future.”

Some of the critics have stated that Bear Stearns should take responsibility for their bad investments and that the money used to save them is much needed elsewhere. “I can’t believe the audacious audacity of some lazy welfare cheatin’ Americans,” said President Bush, “who say we should spendicate our hard earned taxes on infrastructure, you know, bridges that can’t hold back the surging tides or to build levies that drive you from one place to another. However,” Bush continued, “as the Decider, I have decided that I will make as much decisions possible to fix this problem ifor everyone in a way like the heck of a job Brownie did way down yonder in New Orleans while Katrina burst on board. American's must understand that this bail out will have to come out of little children’s lunch money, but those children wouldn't have time to eat anyway as they need all their time to study for them tests for my no child’s right behind program.”

The bail out and federal guaranteed allowed J P Morgan Chase to buy Bear Stearns for $2 a share. The rescue of the bank also guaranteed that Bear Stearns CEO Alan D. Schwartz will be able to leave the company with a six hundred and sixty-six million dollar severance package.