PALIN BUYS CROWN, COMPLETES QUEEN OF HEARTS OUTFIT
By R J Shulman
PHILADELPHIA –(PTSD News) Sarah Palin made fashion news today when she purchased a crown once worn by Queen Ludmilla of Poland. “I know there has been some confusion spread by my socialist opponent about why I wear red all the time,” Palin told CNN’s Larry King, “but now there will be no doubt, as everyone knows the Queen of Hearts always wears red.”

When asked if it was appropriate that she spend $350,000 on a crown when many Americans are losing jobs and houses, Palin said, “Off with their heads. Besides,” she added, “this crown makes up for the one I was robbed of when that witch stole Miss Alaska from me. All I have to say to that little tart is off with your head.”

Sarah Palin is so power hungry,” said Syd Malkin author of the New York Times bestseller, Palin on the Couch, Shrinking Caribou Barbie, “that she has some half-baked Alaska idea that the world is one big homecoming and she is in charge.” When asked about Malkin’s comments, Palin said, “Off with his head, and to those investigators in Alaska thinking I abused power, off with their heads, and to those Muslim terrorists who are so barbaric that they go around cutting off people’s heads, off with their heads, and to McCain the wimp who cut and ran from Michigan, off with his head, and to those that think I want to much power, off with the Constitution.”

“There is nothing in this world more frightening,” Malkin said, “than a mean-girl cheerleader who gets a little power.”

McCAIN TO GIVE 30 MINUTE TV CLOSING ARGUMENT CALLED “THANKS FOR NOTHING”
by R J Shulman

PHOENIX – (PTSD News) – To counter Barack Obama’s unprecedented 30 minute “Closing Argument to the Everyman” that aired on several networks, Senator John McCain announced that he will be airing his own closing argument on Fox tomorrow night. Entitled “Thanks for Nothing, You Ungrateful Whores,” the speech is basically a rant of all “the unfiltered straight talk the party bosses stifled me from saying for all these long months,” according to McCain.

The presentation begins with McCain in full military uniform holding a picture of Barack Obama and saying “terrorist Muslim socialist” for ten minutes. McCain then blasts his own party for putting “the straight talker in a straight jacket.” He calls the Republican party a bunch of bible thumping morons who are following George W. Bush to the gates of hell because “that’s surely where that sadist is headed.”

“And thanks a lot, you imbeciles, who made me select Palin over Lieberman,” McCain says. “Friggin Mike Tyson would have been a better choice. He would have split the black vote and could have at least bitten off Biden’s ear at the debate. Seeing Russia from her house, my ass,” McCain says as he pumps a cardboard cut-out of Sarah Palin full of lead.

The last ten minutes are almost completely incomprehensible except for the phrase “friggen economy” and “eight, nine houses, what’s the goddamn difference?” The presentation ends with McCain staring into the camera and saying, “I’m John McCain, and I didn’t approve of any of this crap.”

“Once the American people can see the real John McCain giving them the unfettered straight talk,” said Rick Davis, head of the McCain campaign, “they will know exactly who to vote for.”

SENATOR STEVENS CONVICTED; MARKET SOARS
By R J Shulman
NEW YORK – (PTSD News) – Just hours after Senator Ted Stevens of Alaska was convicted on all seven counts of lying about gifts he received, the stock market posted gains of nearly 900 points. “We cannot say with certainty that the Senator’s conviction caused the jump in the market,” said Sydney Honelstein, of Standard and Poors, “but we couldn’t think of any other news that happened that could explain it.” “The housing market is still depressed, jobs are still leaving the US like rats from sinking ship, credit is still as dried up as an old spinster,” said Harold Smedley of the Wall Street Journal, “but the market is so spooked, the smallest thing, like Senator Stevens getting nailed could cause a market run.”

Not everyone agrees that the demise of Senator Stevens’ career caused the upswing. “I believe the market reacted positively to the relief of the first day in weeks that Henry Paulson, Ben Bernanke or President Bush didn’t make a comment about the economy.”

“The surge is working,” John McCain told a group supporters inside a Wendy’s Restaurant in Altoona, Pennsylvania. “Now that I solved the economy, Americans can concentrate on the real issue – why would anyone want to vote for a black muslim terrorist elitist with one hand on a head of arugula and the other on the bomb.” “Not to brag about this hockey mom,” Sarah Palin told a cheering crowd at the First Church of the Nuclear Christ in Muncie, Indiana, “but I think the market has gone up because of my special stimulus package, you know, spending $150,000 on this outfit.”



“I know the message of this year’s important election is ‘change,’” said Clive Barstow, a Wall Street veteran formerly with Bear Stearns, Wachovia, Lehman Brothers and AIG,” but there comes a time when there is just too much damn change.”

BALLOT PRINTING ERROR LISTS CANDIDATE AS “BLACK OSAMA”
By R J Shulman
LIMA, Ohio – (PTSD News) – Election officials have discovered yet another error in printed ballots with the election just a week away. Ohio Secretary of State Jennifer Brunner said that the listing of the Democratic candidate as “the Black Osama” seemed more than “an unfortunate accident,” as claimed by a Republican official. This mistake comes on the heels of the error that listed Barack Obama’s running mate as “Joe Biden Laden.”

The ballot problems have not been confined to Ohio. In Florida, in Broward County, the ballot accidentally listed the Democratic vice presidential candidate alternately as William Ayers or Reverend Jeremiah Wright. “We don’t know how it happened,” said Clem Reinhardt, a Florida official in charge of the ballots in question. Further complicating the matter is that ballots in Duval county listed Obama/Biden as the ticket for the Socialist Party.

All of these tainted ballots were traced to Three K Printing Company of Covington, Kentucky. Three K’s CEO Wayne King admitted the error, but said he wasn’t worried. “Being a Christian means that no matter what I do Jesus will forgive me,” King said, “except of course if I vote for Barack Hussein Obama.”

In Colorado, several reports of touch screen irregularities were reported throughout the state. “When I got ready to push the button for Obama," said Florence Marquette, of Colorado Springs, “right next to Barack’s name I saw the words “Anti-Christ” pop up in glowing red.”

“We don’t know how it ended up listing McCain as the Republican and for the Democrat “That One,” said RuthAnne Comstock of the North Carolina election commission, “but it is too late to change it now.”

Franklin Wilson of the Obama campaign has asked for an investigation. “It is curious that all of these errors are in swing states. The American people need to know the truth about what is going on with this election process.” “What the people really want to know,” said John McCain after he was told of the slew of ballot irregularities, “is who is Barack Obama?” Sarah Palin told a crowd of avid supporters in Virginia at the First Bristol Church of the Avenging Christ that “it would be just like those tax and spend liberals to want to waste taxpayer money on correcting ballots.”

“Those corrupt Democrat Communist terrorist supporters are just a bunch of sore loser cry babies, whining over some little glitches in the ballots,” said Sean Hannity of Fox News. “Now ACORN, there is the real story of vote fraud with Mickey Mouse, Iron Man and Count Dracula being registered to vote in thirteen states.”

“The story that is getting lost here,” said John Zogby of the Zogby Poll, “is that even with the ballot in Wisconsin listing the Democrat as Saddam Hussein Hitler Judas Satan Obama, Saddam Hussein Hitler Judas Satan Obama is leading John McCain by 5 points.”

AFRAID HE WILL NEVER BE ABLE TO GET ANOTHER JOB, BUSH SUSPENDS THE ELECTION
By R J Shulman
WASHINGTON – (PTSD News) - In a move that has surprised even the most cynical political observer, President Bush announced today that he is suspending the November election permanently. “Since I am the decider,” he told a shocked gathering of reporters, “I have decided to stay on as your chief commander. It's because I have risen to the highest level of incompetenceness and have nowhere else to go. To be candid camera about it, if I had to step down, where could I stepicate to? Other than messing up as being the Pope, I have dissembled everything there is to do in this world. I lost money in the oil business, I traded Sammy Sosa to the Cubs, I Katrina’d New Orleans and the economy, and American’s reputation and the Constitution. Now who would hire me back? The bridges I haven’t burnt, have fallen down due to a crumbling infrastructure.”

“I want time to re-write the history books in my favor,” Bush said, “I will have to hire about a million writers to fix the problems I caused. This is a win-win proposition for the American people as they will get to love me again, and I will have employed about as many people who lost jobs during my administration.”

“While I am a maverick who wants to run as far away from President Bush as I can,” said Senator McCain, “I welcome the President’s suspension of the election. Of course, I was the first to think of suspending things when I suspended my campaign until I could fix the economy.” Senator Barack Obama, who was campaigning in New Mexico said that he believed the President did not have the Constitutional authority to suspend the election. He was quickly reminded that lack of authority had not stopped Bush from doing anything in the past.

“This means, if you will,” said Vice President Dick Cheney, “that I will have to stay on as the second in command.” The prospect of an indefinite Cheney term may not sit well with a majority of the American public. An instant ABC Newsweek poll suggests that 68% of Americans would rather be shot in the face by Sarah Palin than Dick Cheney.

McCAIN’S BROTHER ABOUT 911 CALL:I WAS TRYING TO TELL THEM A TERRORIST WAS HOLDING UP TRAFFIC
By R J Shulman
ALEXANDRIA, Virginia - (PTSD News) Joe McCain, Senator John McCain’s brother claims that the media is not telling the whole story about his 911 calls in which he complained to the emergency operator about being stuck in traffic. “I did make the calls,” said Joe McCain, “but the liberal media is not playing the part where I tell them I have evidence the traffic is being deliberately delayed by an arugula chomping terrorist black Muslim who has parked his car across two highway lanes to wave to the crowd like he is some kind of celebrity. But they ignored me. I bet they would have sent out a squadron of state troopers if I said the traffic blocker was a rather hot vice presidential looking woman in a $150,000 red leather suit with brown rimmed glasses shooting a gun at a caribou.”

“And that bad word that I was supposed to have called them is nothing more than a communist lie,” Joe McCain explained, “what I said to the operator was ‘duck you’ as in telling them to duck so that some leftist America-hater wouldn’t clock them a good one. Do I get thanks? No. This goes to show you that when it comes to the press, true American patriots are a dying breed. What I don’t understand is why every red-blooded American newsman is not looking into that William Ayers guy.”

“My brother has been unfairly attacked by the liberal media,” Senator McCain said. “He was just trying to point out to authorities, bad people who support terrorists. The press would serve this country better by investigating William Ayers.”

“What Joe “the brother” McCain and Joe “the Plumber” Wurzelbacher have in common is that they have become a target of the liberal media,” said Sean Hannity of Fox News, “what NBC and CBS and ABC and MSNBC should be covering in every detail is William Ayers.” “The national media has become corrupt,” said Bill O’Reilly. “They twist the heroics of a conservative 911 caller like Joe McCain into something despicable while ignoring the big stories out there, such as the horror that is William Ayers."

McCAIN: I’D BE WINNING IF IT WASN’T FOR THE ECONOMY, THE WAR IN IRAQ, YEARS OF FAILED REPUBLICAN POLICIES, MY SHAMEFUL ATTACKS ON OBAMA AND PICKING SARAH PALIN
By R J Shulman
VINCENNES, Indiana – (PTSD News) - In an exclusive and candid interview, Senator John McCain told the Post Times Sun Dispatch why he thinks he as been slipping in the polls and has fallen behind Senator Barack Obama by as much as 13 points. “This was going to be my time, you know the maverick as president,” McCain said. “Bush stole that from me with his dirty tricks in 2000 in the South Carolina primary and I wasn’t going to lose it this time, but I don’t see how it could have gone worse.”

“There were too many missteps and bad timing,” McCain explained. “The economy imploded right when I was building up the big momentum with my straight talking maverick theme. But mostly, the problem is that I listened to bad advice. They told me to chose Sarah Palin and I said who? They said don’t talk issues just attack Obama and I said what? They said talk about achieving an easy victory in Iraq and I said why? They said talk about more tax cuts for the rich and I said you got to be kidding. I should have just said no.”

McCain admitted that he doesn’t know who he is anymore. “The biggest regret I have so far,” McCain said, “is that I let the party honchos turn my straight talk express into a hate talk express.” When asked if he was going to try and resurrect his former self, McCain said, “now that, my friends, is a bridge to nowhere.”

GOP SEES CHANCE OF STEALING ELECTION SLIPPING AWAY
By R J Shulman
WASHIGNTON (PTSD News) – As the polls indicate Senator Barack Obama is slowly pulling away from rival John McCain, Republican leaders are concerned they will not be able to steal the election. “We project that we can overcome up to seven points of an actual Obama lead with the strategy we have in place,” said Winthrop Downing of the Republican National Committee.

Downey told the Post Times Sun Dispatch that this strategy, named Operation American Freedom, which was used successfully in 2000 in Florida and in 2004 in Ohio, uses shock and awe to disorient the opponent. “While black box tampering, challenging student, black and recently foreclosed voters, generic voter intimidation and voter roll purges have proven successful in the past,” Downing said, “we may not be able to prevail if Obama gets more than 54% of the vote.”

“We were hoping the relentless personal attacks on Obama, you know, that he is an angry black Muslin intent on teaching sex to your kindergartener, would soften up his numbers enough for us to be in reach of pulling the victory from him, but he as been bobbing and weaving like Mohammed Ali on steroids,” said Barbara White, a GOP strategist.

“We did make some progress when we tricked the media into covering the ACORN story thinking it was about real voter fraud,” White said, “Of course, no one with those wild names will show up to actually vote, but media focus on ACORN allows us to challenge more legitimate voters. More importantly, while the media is swarming all over the little acorn, the mighty tree of GOP vote stealing will go unnoticed, even though it will cost more than 3 million Democrat votes.”

Polls in several key swing states are now showing an increased lead for Obama. “We just needed that old fool McCain to keep it close enough,” said a GOP staffer who wished to remain anonymous, “but he seems to be losing it. Just yesterday he got so mixed up at a rally he told a crowd in western Pennsylvania that he agreed with Obama that they were a bunch of angry rednecks. And Palin? A moose would be more qualified to be veep.”

“We are running out of smear ideas and ideas for voter suppression,” said Karl Rove. “What we are the most afraid of, is that the next president of the United States will actually be a man who, I shudder to think of this, a man who actually won the election.”

GOP FINDS EVIDENCE OBAMA BORN IN AL QAEDA CAMP; SOLD YELLOW CAKE TO SADDAM
By R J Shulman
WASHINGTON – (PTSD News) – After months of speculation, innuendo and rumor about where Barack Obama was born, the Republican party announced today that it has proof that the Illinois Senator was not born in Hawaii as he claims, but was born in an Al Qaeda camp in Afghanistan. “We have uncovered the original birth certificate which states that the doctor who delivered Barack Hussein Obama was none other than Dr. Hakeem Al Halaan, Osama Bin Laden’s personal physician,” said Clifton Wells of the RNC.

“No wonder he hates America so much,” said Senator John McCain. “I just learned from a third grader that you have to be born in the good old USA to be president,” Sarah Palin told a cheering crowd at the First Church of the Flaming Christ in Florence, Alabama, “so I guess I’ll get to be the new vice president after all so I can run the Senate and whip them into shape.”

“We have also discovered other damaging documents about Obama,” said Wells. “We have a letter signed by Obama which outlines the sale of yellow cake uranium to Saddam Hussein and we have Obama’s wallet card showing his is a member of the Communist Party plus a letter to William Ayers in which Obama compares Ayers’ terrorist activities to those of Obama who admits he is a member of the Black Panther Party. In the letter,” Wells said, “Obama tells Ayers that they should get together soon to blow up something precious that will hurt American families.”

“John has tried to run a decent campaign full of maverickness,” said Cindy McCain, “but we can’t just sit idly by while Obama plans to destroy all that is decent and all that is American. We are obligated to disclose the truth,” she said. Fox news echoed the sentiment by saying they present the facts so their viewers can decide whether to vote for McCain or against Obama.

RUSH LIMBAUGH ADMITS HE SUPPORTS McCAIN BECAUSE HE’S WHITE
By R J Shulman
NEW YORK – (PTSD – News) – Conservative talk show host Rush Limbaugh admitted today that he supports John McCain because the Arizona Senator is white. “If all those black people are voting for Obama because he’s black,” Limbaugh told his audience, “how is it wrong for me or any other white person to vote for McCain because he’s white?” Limbaugh also noted that “it takes a real maverick these days to have voted against a Dr. Martin Luther King holiday and I'm all for that kind of maverick.”

“The liberal press is attacking me unfairly,” Limbaugh said, “but it's because they're jealous I broke the story that Colin Powell is a really a black man and had the guts to tell those political correctness slaves that Powell supports Obama because he’s black. We mustn’t forget the vision of our founding fathers,” Limbaugh continued, “who were all white Christians who owned slaves and how their visions has been systematically destroyed by those liberal communistic activist judges who have tried their best to kill God and then take away our God given right to govern those people who need to be governed.”

When asked about Limbaugh’s comments, Franklin Wilson of the Obama campaign said, “I don’t eat pork and I don’t listen to the wild oinks of the other white meat.”

“I agree with Rush,” said Michael Weiner, better known to his audience as Michael Savage, “If things don’t turn around soon, American will have its first affirmative action president. It’s all the fault of those mentally diseased red diaper doper babies who allowed Obama to graduate at the top of his class at Harvard while holding down McCain so he graduated almost last at Annapolis.”

“This election should not be about race, but about the issues,” said Rick Davis of the McCain campaign. “John McCain is just straight talking to Americans by pointing out that Obama is a scary Muslim terrorist angry black man who wants to turn our beloved white house into an inner city hip-hop crack house full of welfare mothers getting new Cadillacs with food stamps while making English a second language to Eubonics while chasing after your wives and daughters. So if Americans vote against Obama, its not about race, it’s about whether you are voting for someone like us who shares our true American values.”

PALIN TO STAY ON AT SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE, TINA FEY TO JOHN McCAIN TICKET
By R J Shulman
NEW YORK – (PTSD News) – In a stunning turnaround, Tina Fey will leave her role on Saturday Night Live and 30 Rock to run as Senator John McCain’s vice presidential candidate while Sarah Palin will stay on to take Fey’s television roles. “It makes sense when you think about it,” said NBC spokesperson Aaron Schlozman, “Sarah Palin always wanted to be in television, actually studied it in college, and Tina Fey has more foreign policy experience than Sarah.”

Along with her appearance on SNL and 30 Rock, Palin is already lined up for an appearance on Judge Judy, where she will try and get the judge to go after her former brother-in-law. Palin will also appear on a segment of the Jerry Springer Show where she will fight with her daughter over who is the real mother of little Trig. “This will be a doozy,” Springer said, “it won’t just be chairs being thrown around, we are allowing shotguns on this show.”

“This is a real win, win strategy,” said Clara Winston, a media analyst, “Palin boosted the ratings of SNL and will do so in the future, while McCain gets a smarter running mate who is just as hot as his last one.”

McCAIN: WHEN IT COMES TO NAME CALLING, WE’VE JUST BEGUN TO FIGHT
By R J Shulman
NEW YORK (PTSD News) – Senator John McCain told Face the Press host Ron Kobosko today that his campaign was going into high gear when it comes to calling Barack Obama names. “The liberal press has counted us out,” McCain said, “but I’ve got more names to call him than houses I own.”

The following is part of the interview, hosted by Ron Kobosko from Mutual Television’s New York flagship station, WOV-TV, channel 8:

KOBOSKO: Senator McCain, what do you mean by the name of the game is the name?
McCAIN: He who controls the name a person is called wins the election. I am the maverick. Maverick is good. He is the terrorist Muslim. Terrorist Muslim is bad.
KOBOSKO: Those names didn’t seem to hurt Senator Obama as he is still ahead in the polls.
McCAIN: I know. He’s not your typical Democrat. Dukakis was gone with one picture of Willie Horton and Kerry sunk faster than a stone when that swift boat hit him. Obama bobs and weaves like Mohammad Ali. That’s why we’ve now switched to using the “S” word to describe him.
KOBOSKO: You are calling him a snob?
McCAIN: No. Socialist. He wants to spread the wealth around. He wants to funnel money from the rich and give it to the poor.
KOBOSKO: Doesn’t your tax plan and the financial bail out funnel money from the average taxpayer to the rich?
McCAIN: Well, Charley, that kind of redistribution of wealth is earned.
KOBOSKO: My name is Ron.
McCAIN: I know that Charley.
KOBOSKO: Then why are you calling me Charley?
McCAIN: Because it worked so well for Sarah Palin on her interview with Charles Gibson.
KOBOSKO: Getting back to the names you have called Obama…
McCAIN: Yes. If socialist doesn’t hurt him in the polls we will bring out the dreaded “C” word that people of all persuasions run away from.”
KOBOSKO: You will call him a cancer?
McCAIN: No. Communist.
KOBOSKO: I am not sure anyone under 50 is worried about that.
McCAIN: Then we will have to use the dreaded “A” word.
KOBOSKO: Your not going to call him an ass…
McCAIN: Holy mother. Not that word. We will call him the Anti-Christ. Yes, my friends, Obama is the Anti-Christ coming to steal your children and if you vote for him you will surely get left behind when Judgment day comes.
KOBOSKO: Isn’t that a little over the top?
McCAIN: There’s more than that one, my friends. We have a name so scary that it will turn you white.
KOBOSKO: Don’t tell me you are going to use the “N” word.
McCAIN: How dare you think we would sink to that. I love everyone of my supporters who come to my rallies. They are kind of my boys in the hood, if you know what I mean. But, Charley, you know I can’t help it if they shout some of those things that they usually do at their other rallies. It is really Obama who is the one who wants to suppress what my supporters think with all of his political correctness. And why does he want to stop my supporters from what they are thinking? Because Obama knows that what my supporters think is the lynchpin of my campaign. It is what will keep Obama in his place, place in the Senate, I mean.
KOBOSKO: I didn’t mean that “N” word. I meant Narcissist. You know, as in Obama has too much ego. Now what was that name you may end up calling him that is scarier than all the rest?
McCAIN: President

BUSH THE REAL MANCHURIAN CANDIDTATE ACCORDING TO NEW BOOK
By R J Shulman
MYRTLE BEACH, South Carolina – (PTSD News) In a startling new book, author Levi Derrings says that George W. Bush has been controlled by the Chinese to so weaken the United States, that the Chinese can become the dominant world power. “It’s just like the plot of the Manchurian Candidate where Sergeant Raymond Shaw gets brainwashed by the communists to be used later to kill the president of the United States,” said Derrings, author of W, The Real Manchurian Candidate “Only in this case, Bush became president and has pretty much killed America.”

Derrigns sets forth credible evidence that Bush was kidnapped by Soviet and Chinese agents about the time he was serving in the Alabama National Guard. “That is the real reason he was AWOL. That is why no one has been able to testify to his whereabouts for about a year between 1972 and 1973.

The book tells a tale of how Bush was brainwashed in a cave outside Shanghai. He was groomed to be President and then to systematically destroy the United States and make it essentially a slave to China. Derrings claims to have talked to retired Chinese General Xi Chan Zhou, who on his death bed admitted to being part of the plot. “We had great misgivings that it wouldn’t work,” Zhou said, “because we thought maybe the American people would be too smart to elect someone as dumb as Bush.”

The book explains that first Bush was to allow the country to be attacked, which he did by being asleep at the switch for 9-11, then he was to destroy the military by getting involved in useless expensive non-ending wars, which of course he mission accomplished in Iraq, as Bush would like to say, says Derrings. “Bush then got to work on ruining the confidence in the government by playing his guitar while New Orleans drowned, all the while getting us in deep in debt to, you guessed it, the Communist Chinese. Destroying the economy was to be the final blow. And as you can see, my fellow Americans, we are there now.”

When asked if Obama or McCain can turn things around, Derrings said, “Obama is the wild card. However, he may never get to be President, even if he wins. But McCain, will be more of the same. You have to be kidding if you don’t know what happened when he was a POW. McCain is the Hanoi candidate and here is a little hint - McCain favored that trade agreement with Viet Nam which have been devastating to the US.”

Derrings says he is now working on a new book called Palin, How the Russians Have Kept an Eye on Her From Their Houses.

McCAIN’S REAL JOE THE PLUMBER IS MAFIA FIGURE

By R J Shulman

CLEVELAND, Ohio (PTSD News) Last night, Joe the plumber became an instant household word as he was mentioned numerous times by both presidential candidates, especially John McCain. Initial research identified the man as Joe Wurzelbacher of Toledo, Ohio who spoke briefly with Senator Obama at a political rally.

However, the Post Times Sun Dispatch has learned for a reliable source that John McCain’s Joe the Plummer is in really Joseph “the plumber” Balducci, a 42 year-old wanted for questioning by Cleveland police in connection with the bombing of a voting machine warehouse on Euclid Avenue, the wiping off of thousands of names from the voting roles in heavily Democratic counties in Ohio and intimidation of minority voters. Balducci along with Anthony “Tony the fixer” LaMonica are suspected of carrying out the orders of mafia boss Leonardo Cardi to fix the election in Ohio in favor of Republican candidates.

“No wonder McCain’s tax plan works for Joe the plummer and Obama’s doesn’t,” said Senator Joe Biden, “it’s payback for Balducci and gang for unclogging the political pipes for the Republicans, if you know what I mean.” McCain denied the charge saying Joe “was just an ordinary plumber making $2.8 million a year, or was I supposed to say that Joe?” Mr. Balducci refused to talk with the Post Times Sun Dispatch but informed the paper by an anonymous call that if the owners of the publication wanted to keep their kneecaps operating properly they should ‘forgetaboutit.”

GOP ACCUSES ACORN OF STEALING THEIR THUNDER

By R J Shulman

WASHINGTON – (PTSD News) – The Republican party has launched a major attack against ACORN, charging them with trying to steal the election for Barack Obama. “Their conduct is outrageous,” said Steve Schmidt of the McCain campaign, “we have worked so hard to steal this election fair and square that to have this group of pipsqueak upstarts trying to steal it back is beyond the pale.”

“This is much ado about nothing, said Bertha Lewis, chief organizer for ACORN who has helped register over a million voters in the past two years. “We always flag names on our list that are suspect. For example, if the name Elvis Presley shows up, we mark it and inform the local registrar of the suspicious nature of the entry. There is no problem here with voter fraud. Elvis is not going to show up to vote. Elvis has left the building.”

“Elvis not voting, my ass,” said Rick Davis, McCain campaign manager. “That’s how they plan to win Nevada with all those Elvis impersonators just waiting to cast an illegal vote for Obama.”Senator McCain said, “if I lose this election, it will be because ACORN stole the election for that one.” “I know all about this voter fraud thing, doggone it,” said Sarah Palin. “Because I can see an acorn from my house.”

“The most amazing aspect about ACORN is all the press this is generating,” said Miriam Montana of the media watchdog group, Sterling Consulting, “there has not been one provable case of an actual fraudulent vote caused by ACORN, yet there was practically no press when there was credible evidence that the last two presidential elections were stolen by the Republicans with voter caging, black box voting irregularities and other voter suppression tactics that stole millions of votes. I guess these days it is OK I you steal big,” Montana continued, “just look at the financial crisis and the bank bailout. If you steal a loaf of bread and get caught, you go to jail, if you steal the bakery, you get more dough.”When asked about the voter fraud charges against ACORN, Karl Rove said, “imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.”

GOP WORRIED ABOUT “McCAIN MUTINY EFFECT” – REPUBLICAN VOTERS WILL SWITCH TO OBAMA IN THE VOTING BOOTH
By R J Shulman
WASHINGTON – (PTSD News) – GOP leaders are concerned that usually loyal party members will voice support for McCain publicly, but in the privacy of the voting booth will pull the lever for Obama. The phenomenon has been called the McCain Mutiny effect because, “some voters just cannot get themselves to vote for an old man without a plan,” said Vic Sweeney, a Republican strategist. “Obama has the audacity to pull the issues card which has resonated with the voters while McCain’s attack Obama strategy has fallen flat,” Sweeney admitted.

The polls show a slight lead for Obama, but if the McCain mutiny effect turns out to be real, an awful lot of red states will be might blue.” “It is so hard to believe in this day and age that some loyal Republicans are still issuist,” said Rich Davis head of the McCain campaign. “So we will do our best to avoid the issues and attack them for being in the same restaurant with some terrorist like Cat Stevens.

“I just can’t believe it,” said life-long Republican, “but this year I am going to have to vote based on the issues and that favors Obama.”

DEMS RESPONSIBLE FOR McCAIN RALLY HATE SPEECH: THEY’RE THE PARTY WHO SELECTED THAT ONE
By R J Shulman
CROWS FEET, Georgia – The John McCain campaign shot back today at those who have criticized the hatred and death threats aimed at Obama during McCain and Palin rallies. “I can’t control what a crowd might say,” said John McCain, “All I do is tell them the straight talk that Obama parties with terrorists and wants to teach your children about sex in kindergarten and let the people decide about him.”

“It’s all about two candidates who just happen to disagree with each other on the issues,” said Sarah Palin. “John McCain is a patriot who will maverick the country back into the American dream, while that one wants all your babies to die horrible deaths and if they somehow survive, Obama wants to kill them again with high taxes.”

“I don’t understand all this whining by the leftist commie liberals,” said Rick Davis of the McCain campaign, “there would be no talk about race if the Democrats didn’t make their choice of a candidate based upon the audacity to hope that a black man could win the presidency.”

McCAIN LAMENTS HE CHOSE PALIN OVER ADVICE TO PICK MARIAH CAREY
By R J Shulman
PHOENIX – (PTSD News) In an exclusive to the Post Times Sun Dispatch, Senator John McCain admits he went against his party and his own advisor when he made the last minute choice of Sarah Palin for his running mate. “The press thinks I was going to choose that turncoat Lieberman or that ridiculous Romney, but I was urged to pick Mariah Carey and I am now sorry I failed to do so.”

“They said I needed a woman running mate, to get the Hillary supporters and one that was young and hot to get the men excited. I liked Sarah because she likes to drill and kill things, but in hindsight Mariah would have been better. Mariah is certainly as qualified as Sarah to be vice president. Actually, she’s more so, as she has visited more foreign countries than Sarah. Mariah can certainly sing a great Star Spangled Banner and as far as I know, Mariah never tried to have her brother-in-law fired.”

“We wish John wasn’t such a stubborn twit,” said Harold Ramsey, a Republican strategist, “Nobody has more number one hits than Mariah except the Beatles and Mariah could have helped split the youth vote, not to mention the black vote.” Ramsey mentioned that other than a couple of country singers, McCain has nobody and he already has the redneck vote rapped up, at least those that are not too drunk or too busy beating their wives to show up to vote.

A spokesman for Mariah Carey said that was the first they had heard of any interest from McCain. He said he doubted she would have accepted given her strong record of support of philanthropic issues that seem diametrically opposed to the Republican platform.

BIN LADEN WAS HIDING IN OBAMA’S BASEMENT ACCORDING TO FOX NEWS
By R J Shulman
DECATUR, Illinois (PTSD News) Fox News has reported that for about three years Osama Bin Laden was living in the basement of a house owned by Barack Obama in this city 40 miles east of Springfield. The break in the case, according to Fox, was when they were tipped of by a neighbor who had become suspicious. Wesley Comstock, a 43 year-old unemployed farm machinery worker who lived next the house at 912 Calhoun Street said, “I knew there was some funny business going on in that house with all them people wearing them turbines on their head and playing that loud Iraqi music.”

There had been separate reports of a tall man in Arab dress attached to a machine of some sort. “Someone must have tipped off Osama Bin Laden,” said Roger Ailes of Fox, “because when we got there, all we found was a prayer rug, some anti-American videos and a used dialysis machine. They even left a little cat behind. The only person who could have told Bin Laden we were coming would have been Obama himself.”

“We have good evidence that the house where Barack Hussein Obama hid Bin Laden was jointly owned by Obama, Bill Ayers, the unrepentant terrorist and Reverend Wright who all good and fair Americans know hates the US,” said Bill O’Reilly.

“Barack Obama owns only one house and has never owned one in Decatur,” said Franklin ilson of the Obama campaign. “Besides, our preliminary research indicates that the house is actually owned by Cindy and John McCain,” Franklin said. “I don’t know how many houses I own,” McCain said, “but I don’t recall owning that one.”

PRESIDENT BUSH SLOWS ILLEGAL IMMIGRATION WITH HIS ECONOMIC DE-STABILIZATION PLAN
By R J Shulman
WASHINGTON – (PTSD News) The latest figures indicate that President’s Bush’s strategy for the economy is paying off when it comes to stemming the tide of illegal immigration into the US. A new study shows that illegal immigration is down nearly 48% from this time last year.

“The un-surge of economic prosperity is working,” Bush said. “I knew that if I Katrinad the economy, those unlawful Mexicans who came up from South America would have no jobs up here to illegal alienate to.”

The latest study by the Pew Research Center shows that not only has immigration into this country slowed considerably, but that we are now seeing an alarming trend of US citizens headed south to Mexico. ”Thousands of out of work financial workers have been illegally crossing the border into Mexico,” said Thomas Praeger, senior analyst at Pew.

“We have go to do something about these pasty faced Americans invading out country bringing their bland food, and uptight bible thumping repressed sexuality to use up resources that are paid for by hard working Mexican taxpayers,” said Raul Mendoza, who is running for mayor of Ciudad Juarez, a city which borders El Paso, Texas. “Those leaving the US and going to Mexico are taking jobs as investors and mortgage brokers, jobs no Mexican would take,” said Fred Clifton, a senior researcher at PEW. “For Mexicans, those jobs are just too risky.”

The President who touted his success at a press conference at the White House Rose Garden said, “This shows the wrongness of you doubters who think I am smally intelligent because my mission accomplished with the economy has worked to stop the bad immigration and this shows that I am the sharpest bulb in the drawer.”

“Man, there are just no opportunities up here no more,” said Jesus Guiterrez of Colima, Mexico who used to work various jobs in the United States. “How can Norte Americanos live like this?” “I have got to feed my family somehow,” said Carlton F. Sloan III, formerly a broker with Bear Stearns, “so you can’t blame me for coming to Mexico to look for opportunities to speculate to put food on the table.”

“The United States with its depressed economy, lack of manufacturing jobs and few rich and ever increasing poor is really much more like its third world neighbors than anyone could have imagined twenty years ago,” said Praeger.

GOP CLOSE TO SELECTION OF OCTOBER SURPRISE
By R J Shulman
WASHINGTON – (PTSD News) – Sources close to Republican party leadership say that they are close to making the final selection for this election season’s October surprise. “This year presents a special challenge due to the Democrat caused September surprise of the economy meltdown which has dealt a tough blow to McCain,” said Dick Cromwell, a senior Republican strategist.

“We’ve narrowed it down to either the invasion of Iran, the bombing of a domestic landmark or the outbreak of the bird flu in the U.S., preferably in a blue state,” said Bascombe Tinsdale, Vice Chairman of the Republican party. Karl Rove told Fox News that he was not involved with Republican strategy anymore, but that if he was he would suggest that the GOP may need to use all three October Surprises because, “McCain and Palin have messed it up so badly. There are only so many votes you can steal, you know.”

“Maybe we can cancel or postpone the election until the financial crisis is solved,” said Mary Randolph, chairman of the Montana Republicans. Her idea was welcomed by President Bush who said, “I second that emotion as I could sure use more time to finish the privicating of socialist security by putting that money on Wall Street to help the financial crisis. You know that would kill two stones with one bird, and I’d like to be the one to give America the bird.”

PART OF $700 BILLION BAILOUT TO BE USED TO BUY DUCT TAPE
By R J Shulman
WASHINGTON – (PTSD News) – One of the first purchases that has been made with the money from the historic bailout of the financial sector has been for rolls of duct tape. “It’s not for what you might think,” said Toliver R. James, a senior analyst with Goldman Sachs. “It won’t be used to tape up the cracks in the financial structure, but strips of the tape will be strategically placed over the mouths of Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson, Fed Chairman Ben Bernanke and others who have sent the market into a tailspin every time they say something. They may be the only two human beings,” said James, “who can annoy more people than a mime.”

“I believe the best way to solve the financial crisis,” said Paulson, “is to mwt mff morf mert mfffff.” The last part of his statement was muffled due to the large strip of duct tape that had just been slapped over his mouth.

“Who could have known the markets could have gone down?” asked President Bush. “All I can say to the crisis is bring it on. That’s because as the decider, I have decided to mwwfff wrht mmmm wart, so you can put food on your family.” The muffled part of his speech was not due to a piece of tape.

“I have a roll of duct tape at the ready,” said a member of the Federal Reserve Bank who wished to remain anonymous. “And I will slap the first piece across the mouth of the first politician to say ‘my friends.’”

Stocks plunged 678 points or 7% today, after comments from Paulson and Bernanke. The only stock to show a significant gain was 3M, the primary manufacturer of duct tape.

AMERICA REELING FROM BEJESUS SHORTAGE: “IT’S BEEN SCARED RIGHT OUT OF US”
By R J Shulman
SANTA MONICA, California (PTSD News) – On the heels of the financial crisis gripping Wall Street, America is now facing an unprecedented shortage of bejesus. A new study by the Nicholas Institute has determined that America has the lowest level of bejesus since the survey was begun in 1951.

“First there was 9-11,” said Manny Alvarez, an analyst at Nicholas. “Then the fear that Saddam Hussein had weapons of mass destruction scared a significant additional amount of bejesus out of us. Even more bejesus was terrified out with all that manipulation of the terror level by Homeland Security. And it goes without saying,” continued Alvarez, “that precious bejesus was lost every time Cheney opened his mouth”

The newest study noted that in the past there was protection against bejesus depletion. “When things looked scary, Franklin Delano Roosevelt told us that we had nothing to fear except fear itself,” said Pamela Charles, a senior Nicholas analyst. “Now it seems politicians want to scare us to death. Just look at the latest reports being spread that Barack Obama is an angry black Muslim terrorist who wants to turn the White House into a Flavor Flav style brothel.”

“At the rate we are going,” Charles said, “we may never be able to resurrect bejesus.” The 405 page study says that there may be some hope if Barack Obama is elected president, but if McCain and especially Sarah Palin are in office, I am afraid that bejesus will be left behind.”

NEW BOOK EXPLAINS PALIN PHENOMENON, FROM BRUTE TO CUTE:THE EXTREME MAKEOVER OF THE GOP VICE PRESIDENT
By R J Shulman
MIAMI, Florida (PTSD News) – Wayne V. Bogardus, best-selling author of I Hate to Mention 911: Giuliani’s Rise to National Prominence, has released a new book explaining the sea change in the Republican party’s image for its vice president. The book, From Brut to Cute: explains that the traditional Republican vice president was a snarly, junk yard dog attack machine. “There was jowly, schowly Nixon and agitated Agnew and chilling Cheney,” says Bogardus.

“With the surprise selection of Sarah Palin, the Republicans seemed to have been a 180,” Bogardus writes, “but this is only a wolf is sheep’s glasses. Instead of a growl and a scowl before an attack, you get a wink and a wrinkled nose before the kill. You still have a person who wants to drill for oil even if all the polar bears have to die, a person who likes to shoot first and then have God sort out the bodies. With Sarah Palin you have a mayor of a town that changed rape victims for the rape kit examination. Even Cheney wouldn’t have had the balls to do that.”

Brute hits the bookstores next week. When told about the book, Sarah Palin said, “Doggone it. Now I am going to have to offer a one-hundred and fifty dollar bounty for anyone who shoots Mr. Bogardus from a helicopter.”

McCAIN CANCELS DEBATE: I AM NEEDED AT MAYO CLINIC TO HELP CURE CANCER
By R J Shulman
ROCHESTER, Minnesota (PTSD News) – Senator John McCain announced that he is suspending his campaign an will not appear that the scheduled debate with Barack Obama in Nashville this Tuesday. “There is a cancer crisis and I am needed to help solve it,” McCain said. McCain indicated he will not return to the Presidential race until a cure has been found.

“The fact that Obama will not cancel his debate appearance is proof that Obama puts his own political ambition above lives of our children who are dying of cancer,” said Rick Davis, McCain campaign manager. “When I heard that Obama was going to debate in light of the cancer crisis,” said Representative Lynn Westmoreland of Georgia, “all I could think of was just how uppity Obama is.”

“The voters can now see how John McCain puts American first,” said Steve Schmidt, senior McCain campaign manager. “After solving the financial crisis before the first debate, John is turning his experience and maverick nature toward fighting cancer. Obama, meanwhile is apposed to the surge against that terrible disease.”

“This proves that John McCain is the candidate of choice for women,” Sarah Palin said at a rally in Hendersonville, North Carolina, “because, doggone it, this hockey mom can assure you fellow lipstick wearers that John McCain is helping you choose life for your kids who have or may get cancer, while that Muslim, terrorist loving, name caller Barack Obama wants those poor little children to all die.”

Senator Obama was unavailable for comment as he was meeting behind closed doors with his financial advisors regarding the deepening financial crisis.

HALLIBURTON, BLACKWATER HIRED TO OVERSEE BAILOUT MONEY
By R J Shulman
WASHINGTON (PTSD News) – Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson announced today that he has awarded two no bid contracts to administer the $700 billion bailout package just signed into law. “We can’t waste any time here,” Paulson said, “and now that we are winning in Iraq it only makes sense to use Halliburton and Blackwater, the same people who were responsible for our operations in the war.”

“This now makes the package complete,” Paulson continued. “First we needed to save AIG because Goldman Sachs would have failed and then I would have failed to get my old job back when the new President is sworn in.” Paulson had been the CEO of Goldman Sachs before becoming Treasury Secretary.

“I am pleased that Secretary Paulson saw fit to bring in Halliburton and Blackwater,” said Vice President Dick Cheney. “Because now we can better protect Mr. Paulson’s house which is important, if you will, in light of the information we had received that the terrorists might hit his house and hit it hard.”

“We are happy to partner with Halliburton again,” said Erik Prince, Chairman and CEO of Blackwater, USA. “Their subsidiary, KBR has already built the prison camps in Texas, New Mexico and Montana. All we have to do is round up the criminal mortgage borrowers who have sided with our enemies by refusing to pay their mortgages. If they want housing, we got housing.”

“You don’t always get what you want in these situations,” said former Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld, “but you have to go with the money you have.” “We should be able to win this war against the economy in less than a month,” said John McCain. “I can assure you, my friends, that we will be greeted as liberators by the investment bankers.” “I am grateful that we have the support of the American peoples,” said President Bush, “because would you rather lose all this money over there, or lose it over here?”

A reliable source says the new agency created to handle the bailout will be called the Department of Homeland Securities and will be headed by former FEMA director, Michael Brown. An unnamed spokesperson told the Post Times Sun Dispatch, “Brownie did such of a heck of a job on Katrina, we just can’t wait to see what he does with all this money.”

Not everyone agrees that this bailout was the right idea. “This is not a bailout of Wall Street or Main Street” said Ron Paul. “This is all about Easy Street for the President’s pals.”

O. J. CONVICTED, ASKS CONGRESS FOR BAILOUT
By R J Shulman
LAS VEGAS, Nevada – (PTSD News) – Former gridiron great O. J. Simpson was found guilty Friday on all 12 counts of armed robbery of two sports memorabilia dealers. Upon hearing the verdict, Simpson immediately asked for an appeal. “I am appealing to Congress,” Simpson said, “’Cause if you can bail out all those frauds, liars and cheaters on Wall Street who robbed millions of Americans, you can certainly bail out one guy who was trying to steal back sporting items.” Simpson had claimed that he was simply trying to retrieve sports memorabilia that was his.

There seems to be some interest on Capital Hill for the passage of an O.J rescue package. “I think I might support such a bill,” said Ted Stevens, R-Alaska. “I could see why a guy might want to get back his stuff that somebody else has. I mean, what if they took away the stuff used to renovate my house and I went back with my rifle to get it?” “If we don’t bail him out,” said Treasury Secretary Henry Paulsen, “the whole Sports Memorabilia infrastructure would collapse. So I am proposing that Congress give me the unreviewable authority to bail out anyone from jail that I see fit.” “I would support the bailout package,” said Senator Larry Craig, R-Idaho, “if it says something in there about me not being gay.”

However, not everyone in Congress supports the bailout. Dennis Kucinich of Ohio said that the bill did nothing to address helping poor people who were in jail for stealing a loaf of bread to feed their families. Ron Paul said it was not the government who should be involved I bailing out O. J. “Let the fair court system decide this one,” Paul said.

“I might favorcate such a bill,” President Bush said, “if it includes bailing out my friends from jail who I might forget to remember to put on my pardonation list. You know, I have a big administration and I might just forget a few names.”

Simpson told reporters as he was led away in handcuffs, “I guess I can always write a book, you know, one called If I Did Rob the Dudes, Here’s How I Would Have Done It.

McCAIN RAISES WHITE FLAG, CUTS AND RUNS FROM MICHIGAN
By R J Shulman
DETROIT (PTSD News) – John McCain announced today that his campaign is retreating from Michigan. “It’s no big deal we are pulling out,” McCain said, “because there are other places to continue our battle. We are moving our forces into Maine, Wisconsin, Czechoslovakia, and on the border between Iraq and Pakistan. The surge is already working in Maine,” McCain said. “I can now walk safely on the streets of downtown Portland.”

“This hockey mom will never surrender,” Sarah Palin said. “In fact, we are moving some of our resources from Michigan to my house so we can see better what those Russians are up to.”

Some Republicans have quietly expressed concern over McCain’s sudden withdrawal from Michigan, fearing this will embolden the enemy. “Now that we have had this precipitous pullout from Michigan,” said Mike DuHaime, chairman of the Michigan McCain campaign, “I am afraid that we are about to see Obama signs pop up on lawns from Muskegon to Flint.”

VP DEBATE BAILS OUT BAILOUT BILL
By R J Shulman
ST. LOUIS – (PTSD News) - The long awaited vice presidential debate between Sarah Palin and Joe Biden may be just what the doctor ordered to get the stalled $700 Billion Wall Street Bailout package through Congress. “While everyone is on the edge of their seat wondering what else Sarah Palin can see from her house, the House will be passing the bailout,” said Secretary of the Treasury Henry Paulsen.

“This sideshow of a debate is a great way to distract the American people from protest that the government is giving their tax dollars to Wall Street speculators,” said Ron Paul. “Just plunk a piece of pizza in front of the masses while they watch the zoo from St. Louis. It really is like bread and circuses.”

“The debate is the second step in overcoming the American public’s resistance to bailing out Wall Street,” said Fed Chairman Ben Bernanke. “The first was that we have successfully convinced the media to stop calling the bailout a bailout, but to call it a ‘rescue.’ That sounds better. We didn’t bail out New Orleans, we rescued New Orleans. Actually, come to think of it, we did neither.”

The ‘rescue’ bill will allow Wall Street investors and money managers to reap profits if the market goes up, but will subsidize any losses due to bad judgment, incompetence or just plain greed,” Paulsen said. “We are all socialists now,” said William J. Frappaine, a Wall Street broker, as he waved a banner with the Industrial Workers of the World symbol.

BOTH SIDES AGREE TO CHANGE VP DEBATE RULES, PALIN TO DEBATE CARIBOU
By R J Shulman
ST. LOUIS – (PTSD News) – In a stunning turn of events, Joe Biden has been replaced with a Caribou for Thursday’s vice presidential debate at Washington University. “The media has been absolutely unfair and cruel to Governor Palin,” said Rick Davis of the McCain campaign, “so its only fair that she gets a level playing field for this debate.”

“Finally, Sara will get a fair shot,” a Palin spokesperson said. “We think with the new rules, this debate will be right on target.” The Caribou, named Nedib, has been flown into St. Louis from Barrow, Alaska. “America get ready for a real shootout,” Palin told a cheering crowd at an evangelical rally in Sikeston, Missouri. “I am about to blow the opponent away.”

Clancy Franklin, a spokesperson for Joe Biden, said he was fine with the last minute change. “She can debate a post, for all I care,” Franklin said, “She’ll still come in second. We need Joe on the campaign trail.”

“I am going to take time from my nap to watchicate this debate,” said President Bush, “because I have looked into the eyes of the caribou and I was able to get a sense of his soul.”