HALLIBURTON, BLACKWATER HIRED TO OVERSEE BAILOUT MONEY
By R J Shulman
WASHINGTON (PTSD News) – Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson announced today that he has awarded two no bid contracts to administer the $700 billion bailout package just signed into law. “We can’t waste any time here,” Paulson said, “and now that we are winning in Iraq it only makes sense to use Halliburton and Blackwater, the same people who were responsible for our operations in the war.”

“This now makes the package complete,” Paulson continued. “First we needed to save AIG because Goldman Sachs would have failed and then I would have failed to get my old job back when the new President is sworn in.” Paulson had been the CEO of Goldman Sachs before becoming Treasury Secretary.

“I am pleased that Secretary Paulson saw fit to bring in Halliburton and Blackwater,” said Vice President Dick Cheney. “Because now we can better protect Mr. Paulson’s house which is important, if you will, in light of the information we had received that the terrorists might hit his house and hit it hard.”

“We are happy to partner with Halliburton again,” said Erik Prince, Chairman and CEO of Blackwater, USA. “Their subsidiary, KBR has already built the prison camps in Texas, New Mexico and Montana. All we have to do is round up the criminal mortgage borrowers who have sided with our enemies by refusing to pay their mortgages. If they want housing, we got housing.”

“You don’t always get what you want in these situations,” said former Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld, “but you have to go with the money you have.” “We should be able to win this war against the economy in less than a month,” said John McCain. “I can assure you, my friends, that we will be greeted as liberators by the investment bankers.” “I am grateful that we have the support of the American peoples,” said President Bush, “because would you rather lose all this money over there, or lose it over here?”

A reliable source says the new agency created to handle the bailout will be called the Department of Homeland Securities and will be headed by former FEMA director, Michael Brown. An unnamed spokesperson told the Post Times Sun Dispatch, “Brownie did such of a heck of a job on Katrina, we just can’t wait to see what he does with all this money.”

Not everyone agrees that this bailout was the right idea. “This is not a bailout of Wall Street or Main Street” said Ron Paul. “This is all about Easy Street for the President’s pals.”