SENATOR STEVENS CONVICTED; MARKET SOARS
By R J Shulman
NEW YORK – (PTSD News) – Just hours after Senator Ted Stevens of Alaska was convicted on all seven counts of lying about gifts he received, the stock market posted gains of nearly 900 points. “We cannot say with certainty that the Senator’s conviction caused the jump in the market,” said Sydney Honelstein, of Standard and Poors, “but we couldn’t think of any other news that happened that could explain it.” “The housing market is still depressed, jobs are still leaving the US like rats from sinking ship, credit is still as dried up as an old spinster,” said Harold Smedley of the Wall Street Journal, “but the market is so spooked, the smallest thing, like Senator Stevens getting nailed could cause a market run.”

Not everyone agrees that the demise of Senator Stevens’ career caused the upswing. “I believe the market reacted positively to the relief of the first day in weeks that Henry Paulson, Ben Bernanke or President Bush didn’t make a comment about the economy.”

“The surge is working,” John McCain told a group supporters inside a Wendy’s Restaurant in Altoona, Pennsylvania. “Now that I solved the economy, Americans can concentrate on the real issue – why would anyone want to vote for a black muslim terrorist elitist with one hand on a head of arugula and the other on the bomb.” “Not to brag about this hockey mom,” Sarah Palin told a cheering crowd at the First Church of the Nuclear Christ in Muncie, Indiana, “but I think the market has gone up because of my special stimulus package, you know, spending $150,000 on this outfit.”



“I know the message of this year’s important election is ‘change,’” said Clive Barstow, a Wall Street veteran formerly with Bear Stearns, Wachovia, Lehman Brothers and AIG,” but there comes a time when there is just too much damn change.”