AFRAID HE WILL NEVER BE ABLE TO GET ANOTHER JOB, BUSH SUSPENDS THE ELECTION
By R J Shulman
WASHINGTON – (PTSD News) - In a move that has surprised even the most cynical political observer, President Bush announced today that he is suspending the November election permanently. “Since I am the decider,” he told a shocked gathering of reporters, “I have decided to stay on as your chief commander. It's because I have risen to the highest level of incompetenceness and have nowhere else to go. To be candid camera about it, if I had to step down, where could I stepicate to? Other than messing up as being the Pope, I have dissembled everything there is to do in this world. I lost money in the oil business, I traded Sammy Sosa to the Cubs, I Katrina’d New Orleans and the economy, and American’s reputation and the Constitution. Now who would hire me back? The bridges I haven’t burnt, have fallen down due to a crumbling infrastructure.”

“I want time to re-write the history books in my favor,” Bush said, “I will have to hire about a million writers to fix the problems I caused. This is a win-win proposition for the American people as they will get to love me again, and I will have employed about as many people who lost jobs during my administration.”

“While I am a maverick who wants to run as far away from President Bush as I can,” said Senator McCain, “I welcome the President’s suspension of the election. Of course, I was the first to think of suspending things when I suspended my campaign until I could fix the economy.” Senator Barack Obama, who was campaigning in New Mexico said that he believed the President did not have the Constitutional authority to suspend the election. He was quickly reminded that lack of authority had not stopped Bush from doing anything in the past.

“This means, if you will,” said Vice President Dick Cheney, “that I will have to stay on as the second in command.” The prospect of an indefinite Cheney term may not sit well with a majority of the American public. An instant ABC Newsweek poll suggests that 68% of Americans would rather be shot in the face by Sarah Palin than Dick Cheney.