PART OF $700 BILLION BAILOUT TO BE USED TO BUY DUCT TAPE
By R J Shulman
WASHINGTON – (PTSD News) – One of the first purchases that has been made with the money from the historic bailout of the financial sector has been for rolls of duct tape. “It’s not for what you might think,” said Toliver R. James, a senior analyst with Goldman Sachs. “It won’t be used to tape up the cracks in the financial structure, but strips of the tape will be strategically placed over the mouths of Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson, Fed Chairman Ben Bernanke and others who have sent the market into a tailspin every time they say something. They may be the only two human beings,” said James, “who can annoy more people than a mime.”

“I believe the best way to solve the financial crisis,” said Paulson, “is to mwt mff morf mert mfffff.” The last part of his statement was muffled due to the large strip of duct tape that had just been slapped over his mouth.

“Who could have known the markets could have gone down?” asked President Bush. “All I can say to the crisis is bring it on. That’s because as the decider, I have decided to mwwfff wrht mmmm wart, so you can put food on your family.” The muffled part of his speech was not due to a piece of tape.

“I have a roll of duct tape at the ready,” said a member of the Federal Reserve Bank who wished to remain anonymous. “And I will slap the first piece across the mouth of the first politician to say ‘my friends.’”

Stocks plunged 678 points or 7% today, after comments from Paulson and Bernanke. The only stock to show a significant gain was 3M, the primary manufacturer of duct tape.